I’ve known for a long time I don’t want kids. And for just as long, I’ve gotten a lot of the same reactions: “You’ll change your mind,” “It’s so early to decide,” “You’d be such a good mom,” and “You just haven’t met the right person,” are a few of the most common. And then there are the responses that may be well meaning but really make me cringe, like “Don’t you want to get married, how will you find a husband?” and “Don’t you feel like you won’t be fulfilled?” A lot of people seem disappointed or disproving or even angry when I say I don’t want kids. So let me explain first what I mean when I say I don’t want kids, and why I don’t want them.
When I say “I don’t want children,” it doesn’t mean:
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That I’m some child-hating monster. – No, I don’t want kids, and no, I don’t particularly like them. But I’m not some child-hating jerk who wants to crush children’s hearts and spirits. I have little cousins I play Capture the Flag and Hide and Seek with. I love when kids want to come pet my puppy. I don’t mind helping them with their juice boxes and sitting down to color a picture with them. I don’t hate children, I just don’t want to spend all my time with them.
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That I don’t want to get married. – You don’t need to have children to have a happy marriage. For some people, parenthood is a huge part of the reason they get married, and that’s great for them. But for others, it isn’t. There are plenty of happily married couples who don’t have children and their relationships are none the worse off. Yes, parenthood can be an important part of marriage, but it doesn’t have to be. Just because I don’t want children doesn’t mean I’m uninterested in marriage.
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That I disprove of motherhood. – I’m not anti-children or anti-motherhood. Being a mother is one of the most incredible and wonderful experiences in the world–it’s just not one I want for myself. I’m not angry with other people who do want children. That’s their choice, just like it’s my choice to not have kids. I think it’s awesome that so many people want to be mothers, but I’m not one of them.
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That I’m giving up a family to pursue a career. – Of course I want a successful career. But it’s not an either-or choice. I’m not choosing to have children to focus on my career. I don’t even know what I want to do yet! Whichever field I do end up going into, I obviously anticipate working hard, and hopefully ascending the hierarchical ladder at least a few rungs. But my future career has nothing to do with my decision to not have children. Some people decide to put off marriage and children to pursue their career, but plenty others have highly successful careers in the midst of their parenting. Yes, I want to have a successful career, but my decision to not have children isn’t driven by cold-blooded career ambitions.
A lot of people start to protest when I say I don’t want kids. Sometimes there’s a lot of denial. No, I don’t want to adopt; adoption is a wonderful thing, but when I say I don’t want kids, I mean I don’t want kids. If it’s early to decide I don’t want kids, isn’t it pretty early to commit to having them too? And yes, I guess I might change my mind. But I might not. In fact, I’m fairly sure I won’t, and I’d really appreciate it if you listened the first time. So what are some of the reasons I’m not interested in having children?
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Kids are expensive. – In an economy and job market that is particularly saturated with college graduates, I have absolutely no idea what the next ten years of my future will look like. I don’t know if I’ll be in a position to financially support children, even if I wanted to. Healthcare, schooling, and basic day-to-day living expenses make kids really expensive. I don’t know that I’ll be able to afford that in the next ten years.
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There are a lot of health risks. – This one is twofold. There can be a lot of health risks for both the mother and the child when it comes to having babies. Lots of women have conditions that make conception, carrying a child to term, or giving birth extremely dangerous. Plenty are willing to take these risks for their children, but there’s another concern. I firmly believe that if you want to have a child, you need to be prepared to take full responsibility for that child regardless of any health problems it might have. If you aren’t prepared to take care of a child with a physical or mental disability, you shouldn’t be having a child. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be confident enough to take responsibility for another person like that.
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I do not need children to be fulfilled. – This one really ticks me off. Motherhood is not essential for a woman to feel important, valid, needed, or otherwise fulfilled. My purpose here on Earth is not necessarily to be a mother. Women are often pushed to be nurturing, gentle, and above all, motherly. And those are great qualities to have! But not all women subscribe to the motherly ideal that dominates our society. And we don’t have to! My worth is not dependent on my ability or decision to have children.
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I don’t like kids, as a rule. – I said up above that I don’t hate kids, and that’s true. But I don’t love them either. I know plenty of people who loooooove to be around preschoolers, who adore holding newborn babies, and who love babysitting toddlers. But I don’t. Like I said above, I’m not mean to kids, and I don’t mind playing with them for a couple hours. But it’s really hard for me to imagine having some of my own and taking care of them full time and enjoying myself. I’m not very comfortable around children, and I don’t think I ever will be. That doesn’t make me a great candidate for motherhood. And guess what? That doesn’t bother me.
When I say I don’t want children, the responses I often get are misguided at best, rude and disrespectful at worst. Motherhood is a truly important, wonderful thing, but it’s not for me. And that’s okay! There are a lot of misconceptions about women who don’t want children, from the idea that they must be giving up a family to pursue a career to the stereotype that all women have an inherent maternal instinct and there’s something wrong with those who don’t. So please, don’t tell me that I’ll meet the right guy and suddenly want to have kids. Don’t tell me I’ll change my mind — you don’t know that. Don’t tell me that I won’t be able to find a man who doesn’t want kids, or that I’ll be unfulfilled without them. I don’t need to have children to have contentment and happiness in my life. So no, I don’t want kids. And I’d appreciate it if everybody could be as okay with that as I am.