I have been Valentineless every year since birth. When I was younger, Valentine’s Day was about making fun cards and giving them to your crush. Obviously, you would give the best stickers and yummiest candy to them, and you would give the grossest candy and the ugliest card your archenemy. Valentine’s Day meant taking a whole class period to make a little mail box for your Valentine’s Day cards and getting candy and that was it. Then when I started to get older and care about boys more, Valentine’s Day became a day of love, or lack thereof. Every boy I crushed on never seemed to feel the same way, so February 14th became the worst day ever. And that was just middle school.
In high school Valentine’s Day got even worse, if you can believe it. I didn’t care much about having a boyfriend every other day of the year, but February 14th was a special occasion. My school put on a special fundraiser every year: you could buy a rose to send someone and attach a special note to it, and a member of student council would deliver them during classes. So in all of my classes, someone would walk into the room and hand out roses. It was like a scene straight out of Mean Girls and I was Gretchen Wieners. It stung that no one bought me a rose. It felt like I was unwanted, although I knew that I was valued by my friends and family. The thought of someone actually being romantically interested in me was something that I desired, even though I wasn’t interested in being in a relationship. It hurt to think that I was unwanted or undesirable. It made me question my self-worth. I questioned if I was pretty enough, if I was smart enough, if I was funny enough, or nice enough. I started to wear more makeup, do my hair every day, and change the way I dressed to be more appealing. But nothing worked. What was wrong with me, that I couldn’t attract a guy? I thought about this from Freshman year to Senior year. Then I went to college.
Everything was so new and exciting. I was busy with classes and making friends and finding where I fit in, I totally forgot about boys. Okay… That’s actually not true. I did think about boys. It was hard not to considering there were so many cute boys EVERYWHERE. I would go to parties and boys would talk to me. They would smile at me in the cafeteria. They would message me on social media apps. I was getting all this attention that I didn’t get before. There were so many cute boys fighting for my affection, and it was fun casually hanging out with them. It was nice… for a time being, then it got old. They were nice guys, but they didn’t value me for all of the wonderful things that make who I am. They didn’t appreciate my sense of humor or admire my integrity or passions. They saw me as a pretty face, which was something I longed for in the past, but in the present it didn’t feel right. That’s when I realized my self-worth. I did my makeup because I wanted to, not to impress anyone. I didn’t do my hair, because who has the time? And I wore clothes that made me feel comfortable and happy. The relationships that I valued were the ones of my friends, and I realized that, unlike the cute boy I met at the party, they would be there through thick and thin. But more than that, I understood that my relationship to myself was the most relationship of all. I don’t need a guy to determine my self-worth, I determine my own worth (and I’m pretty damn worthy, let me tell ya). That Valentine’s Day I spent the day with myself. I treated myself to a nice sandwich and watched some Netflix because that’s exactly what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to be on a fancy date or whatever, I was happy all by myself. Since then, I haven’t let what boys think of me dictate any of my decisions. My happiness is rooted in what is best for me and what will make me a better person, not some cute boy.
If you were wondering, this Valentine’s Day my friends and I plan treated ourselves to sushi burritos. On Valentine’s Day you should be surrounded by everything you love. For me that means my friends and a giant sushi roll that costs $8.75.