Life is not fair. Most of us, as children, believed that it was – or at least that it should be – despite the fact that no one ever actually told that that would be the case. Life is not always easy, people are not always kind, and putting time and effort into something does not always lead to the positive outcomes you may hope or expect from it. Often times, hard work does lead to success and wonderful things, but what about those days where you feel like everything is against you and that your efforts are just not worth it? Then what?
First let me just tell you – those days happen to everyone. I don’t care if you are a college student, a famous pop star, or a three-year-old whose favorite crayon got lost – sometimes life sucks. As I get older those days seem to get more frequent, but I’ve also started to notice the things I can and can’t control about them and how it can affect my outlook on things. I have no delusions that life will get any easier in the years to come, and am not particularly expecting any type of relaxing or easy lifestyle until I’m in a rocking chair on the beach reflecting about the last 80 years of my exuberant life.
Sometimes, other people are the cause of our bad days. Maybe someone is not acting the way you want them too, maybe they are not listening to your opinions, and sometimes, maybe they are being straight up disrespectful towards something you care very much about. SO. What do you do? Fight them? Crawl into bed, cry, plot revenge? That’s certainly my first instinct, and maybe it’s yours too. But we’ve all been hearing for years to “be the bigger man,” or “take the higher road,” or any other version of the cliched advice to act with maturity and respect in instances of conflict. Here’s a few bit and pieces of (mostly other people’s) advice that I’ve picked up along my way – maybe they’ll be helpful to you, or maybe this is just going to be a guide for me next time I feel like fighting someone.
1. React slowly
For me, emotions find their way out of me in the form of words on paper (if you couldn’t tell from this super personal article I’m writing). Especially in a school or work environment, if I have a problem with something or someone my response is often to type a long, passionate email full of big words and logic, and to send it to whoever I think will benefit from hearing a piece of my mind. I am learning the lesson, albeit slowly, that it’s never a good idea to send an email like that while the emotions are still fresh. And if you are the type of person who likes to share reactions face-to-face, the same thing applies – it’s probably not a good idea to put all those feelings out in the universe before you’ve had time to sit down and really process them. I have recently found a solution that works for me – sit down, type the email, but DON’T SEND IT. Either leave it in your drafts, or send it to a friend or family member who has nothing to do with the issue with a subject line like “don’t mind me, I’m just venting.” Emotional emailing is just like drunk texting – super satisfying in the moment, but almost always leads to a morning full of regret and embarrassment.
2. Talk it out – irrationally, then rationally
Talking about your problems and emotions is very healthy, to an extent. By sharing them with another person, it can help keep you from dwelling on it for longer than is good for you. I’ve found that there are really two types of conversations when you are having drama in your life: irrational venting, and rational discussions. HAVE BOTH. Find that person in your life that you can spill your guts to, someone who is okay to just listen to you with the understanding that you’re just angry and not really looking for solutions. Then, when you’re ready, find another person (or the same one) who can help you calmly discuss solutions – with any luck, this person will have had a similar experience or can at least help you gain outside perspective as you choose the appropriate course of action.
3. Brainstorm solutions
This is a part of the rational conversation, whenever you are ready to have it. Listing out (or just discussing out loud) potential solutions, as well as their predicted outcomes, is super helpful when dealing with conflict. If you prepare yourself for all of the outcomes you can think of, it will be easier to prevent another emotional breakdown in case it doesn’t go the way you want.
4. Accept that you are not in control
Just like all of those other unpleasant life truths I was talking about earlier – here’s a new one I’m learning: you cannot control other people. You can’t force them to be passionate about what you are passionate about, you can’t decide their opinions for them, and you can’t even always control what they think of you. The sooner you stop hating people for not acting exactly how you think they should, the easier it is to brush off the things they do that you don’t like. BTW, I have TOTALLY not conquered this one yet – I have just barely gotten to the point where I can acknowledge that it’s true. Everyone’s different – maybe you are already a super laid-back person who doesn’t let anything bother you, or maybe you’re like me and you’re still working on toning down that super dramatic control freak that lives inside your brain.
5. Focus your energy on things you can control, not things you can’t
The same thing that’s true about people is true about a lot of other factors, too. It’s a common saying that you can’t always control a situation, but you can control your reaction to it. I try to embody that idea but with a little bit of a twist – it’s suuuuuper hard to control your gut reaction to something, but it’s easy to practice your poker face so that you can “fake it ‘til you make it” – that is to say, if something irritates you, it’s usually best to hold your tongue rather than making a snide comment. So if you can control your sass and take a moment before responding, you can at least pretend that you are having a totally mature reaction on the inside. Work on controlling that, rather than dwelling on the actual situation that’s happening.
6. Remove the negativity
Okay, final life truth and this one is a little bit of me just being bitter and is not really a lesson: PEOPLE SUCK. Some people really are just toxic and do not add anything positive to your life, so in those situations, do everything in your power to remove that person from your life. This isn’t always possible, so for those people who you lowkey just hate but still have to see on a regular basis, I try to embody the wisdom of Selena Gomez (and okay, lots of people before her but she has a really great song about it) – kill ‘em with kindness. Shower them with respectful, mature, non-confrontational words and behavior – if they’re gonna be a jerk, then you sure as hell can do everything in your power to make it difficult for them. After all, you’re a bad bitch – and NO ONE can steal your thunder.