[Tomas] Hi! We’re back! New readers, welcome! Returning readers, welcome back! For some reason, you’ve sent in questions despite all of our warnings that we are totally, 100%, utterly unqualified. So like the main character’s close friends in your favorite rom-com, we’re here for you with misguided advice and confident-sounding comic relief.
This week’s question:
Is it true that if a guy sends you mixed signals, he’s not actually interested?
[Greg] Well, let us take some liberties and fill in the details of your situation. You’ve hit it off with a new he-man. Thank god you stalked his favorite study spot for a week so that serendipity could work its magic. Your conversations have as much flow and definition as his chiseled jawline, and you have just so much in common. He’s even great at texting! Well, at least, he was last week. This week it’s been a little dry. Your last double text is still hanging – you’re positive because you check it at least twice an hour. The other day you studied together and he threw some great lines at you, but he’s busy this weekend… again. Maybe he’s not that interested?
[Tomas] Well, he can’t be that busy because you saw that photo on Facebook of him hanging out with his friends two days ago — but your friend who knows someone who knows him said that he’s been really busy with a paper. Then again, once you didn’t return that one text of his for like 7hrs because your phone died — so maybe the same thing happened happened to him. Also, no matter what your friends say, you’re totally not overthinking this.
Mixed signals suck. You have no idea if you should drop it and move on because they’re trying to signal that they’re not interested or whether you should shoot them another message because they’re legitimately busy and missed that first one. While it may mean that they’re not into you, mixed signals don’t necessarily mean that, and here are some alternate ideas on what it might be:
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Some people legitimately believe that the best way to make someone like you is to play ‘hard to get’. So they ignore your messages for a little, or tell you that they’re busy when they’re not. Which makes total sense, right? Because the foundation for any healthy relationship is deceit and manipulation.
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They don’t know, and so they slow things down until they figure out where they see this going. Sometimes I wonder how people did this before text message — in the middle of a conversation over the phone did they just hang up and call you back later? Or did they stay on the line but stopped responding for a little bit?
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Life is hard, and people are complex. Maybe it’s (honestly) not a good time for them and they are (actually) busy — for example, maybe they’re interested but just got out of a long-term relationship or are in the middle of an its-complicated with someone else. Maybe it’s even more mundane, and they just had two midterms this week. So while you’re ready to go 40 on a 20mph road, they send mixed signals to pump the breaks a little until it’s a better time for them.
While there’s no real way to know what’s going on, there are a lot of reasons they might send mixed signals besides not being interested. So maybe slow down for a little bit and see if anything changes. It can’t hurt, and it’s probably better than checking your phone for the third time this hour to see if he responded.
[Greg]
He’s not that interested. I’m as positive as someone who knows no actual context can be. No, stop, don’t cry…. you’re so ugly when you cry. Drink up and listen because it’s not all bad:
He might actually be busy. Maybe the reason you like this Zack Efron model of a man is because he’s constantly innovating, traveling, and leading. The very things that make him interesting are stealing his time away from you. But, while this might all be true, it’s no excuse. People make time for what’s most important. If he’s giving you mixed signals, you’re not currently the most important thing in his life.
But if you’re not your Ron’s Hermione, then who is? Unfortunately, you can’t know for certain what’s happening in his life. Likely whatever assumptions you make, they’re wrong. Maybe he thought you were cute, but then met someone who he connected with even more. Maybe an ex-girlfriend sent him a late night text and resurfaced old emotions. Maybe his mother is ill and he can’t focus on a new relationship right now. Maybe he enjoyed getting to know you but doesn’t see a future with you. Without complete information you have no idea why he’s not that interested.
So, find out more information. Ask his friends out to lunch and learn more about his current situation. Create a platonic situation where you can ask the man himself about the various things on his mind. He won’t tell you directly, but you might learn enough to guide your next move.
Assuming he’s still giving you mixed signals and not no signals, there’s no reason to abandon hope. Display a confident man’s favorite trait – initiative. Find a creative way to show why you deserve more than mixed signals. Create interest. There’s no guarantee of success, but perseverance might convince him that despite the various happenings in his life, you are the hell yes he’s been looking for.