‘Ladylike.’
After looking up ‘lady’ on urban dictionary and scrolling through the endless feed of definitions, I realized that ‘lady’ is always defined in conjunction to men–supporting characters in the male world. Ultimately, ‘lady’ means ‘woman.’ That of the female variety. So, why on Earth is it necessary to include a definition of ‘lady’ as she pertains to a man??
Constantly, a lady is defined as an object that gets acted upon by men or that in some way has to shape herself appropriately in order to please men and fit the mold of what they are attracted to. Every elderly woman I’ve come in contact with has advised me to suppress my crass humor and be more refined. “Act dignified, honey.”
Cross your legs when you sit!
Don’t slouch!
Bite your tongue!
Don’t speak in such vulgar terms!
Don’t interrupt people!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!
And my absolute favorite: stop wearing so much black and dress like a girl for once!
I am a girl—no! I am woman, but I refuse to be a ‘lady’ so long as it maintains its current social definition.
Take some time to ponder the connotation of different words of womanhood: girl, woman, female, mother, daughter, lady… each stands for something a little different. My problem with ‘lady’ is that it has been so socially modified, and honestly, I find it to be out of date and repressive. Nowadays, accepting the title ‘lady’ comes with a contract–one that I don’t want to sign. It comes with constructs—socially created and abided by in the most misogynistic way with an ever present undertone of inequality between the sexes.
You know what’s unladylike? The way I dress. A combination of sweats and flannels paired with workout clothes, running shoes and baseball caps. I rarely wear color—never floral or any prints, really. And I don’t understand seasonal color schemes one bit. Ever since I started dressing myself, I have been begged to ‘dress like a girl.’ And now that I’m all grown, I’m begged to dress like a lady… It’s hilarious to me. I’m somewhat less of a woman if I don’t put together a coordinated outfit every day, but if a guy doesn’t dress well, it doesn’t make him any less of a man.
You know what else isn’t ladylike? Cuss words. I mean, I cuss. I love cussing. Fuck yeah I do. The power of the words make daily vernacular that much more playful, but I know who to cuss in front of and who not to. However, one day over winter break I cussed in front of my grandmother. But before I left for school again, she sat me down and gave me one last piece of advice before I was re-released to the big bad world. It went something like, “Try to stop talking like that, with curse words, I know the boys joke around with girls like that and they like hanging out with girls like that, but they’ll never respect a girl who speaks like that; they’ll never date them or marry them. No man wants to marry a girl with a dirty mouth.”
I gawked and told her it wasn’t my job as a human to impress men, or anyone for that matter. If a person doesn’t like me for the way I talk, or the way I breathe, or the way I do anything, why should I change that–change me–for their approval?
I think the main reason I disagree with the ‘lady’ concept is that I’ve never quite fit it. I hate dresses and skirts–I dress for comfort and functionality. I rarely brush my hair. I laugh too loud in public. Little kids and I…we don’t really get along. I always forget to cross my legs when I sit. And I often speak without a filter. Sorry, but I’m not sorry.
I’m tired of apologizing for all these things. That’s what the Lady Label and expectations make you do–apologize for your natural tendencies that aren’t in line with the prewritten code you’re just expected to abide by. I shouldn’t have to defend my gender, goddamnit!
I’m not saying its right for anyone to be crude. I believe in politeness. In courtesy. In respect for others. I think they help people converse and interact with each other in a positive and productive manner no matter their degree of acquaintance. I think that those qualities come with being a good person, not just a Lady.
Yes, I will be feminine when I so desire. I will bite my tongue when it isn’t appropriate to speak my mind. But that’s my choice to do so, and I don’t owe these acts to anyone. I refuse to shape myself and my life to be a presentation to others. I refuse to play the supporting character of the Lady to the leading role of the Man. I’m not just a pretty face, a shy smile, and a slight giggle. I am a woman who has aspirations, motivations, and opinions; I am going to present myself as such.
So, until acting like a ‘lady’ means acting however I want– count me out.