With Valentine’s Day around the corner, you find yourself saying ‘yes’ to a date with seemingly cute Jeremy from Tinder. You get dressed up and head to the bar where you’re meeting, expecting nothing less than a rom-com worthy night of giggling the night away with your mysterious guy. You’re basically Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story.
Unfortunately, the date is an absolute disaster. You burn through all the topics you have in common by the time you’ve taken off your coats, he has a weird (aka non-existent) sense of humour, and he’s more creepy than cheeky. But do not fear. Here at HCX, we have developed a drinking game to get you through the next two hours of torture.
If you want to stay classy, then play the drinking game with sips of Vodka & Lemonade, but if you don’t care about vomming in the loos then get ready to buy a lot of shots and drink every time…
1. He mentions his ex-girlfriend.
It turns out that the tall blonde who was in three of his Tinder pictures is his ex-girlfriend, Poppy. They went to Amsterdam over the Christmas holidays and broke up in January because things hadn’t been working out for a long time. How do you know this? Because he went on about her for twenty minutes! The date is off to a bad start, because whilst you thought he was Mr Right, he just sees you as Ms Rebound.
2. You think about your ex-partner.
The sparks between you and Tinder Jeremy aren’t exactly flying, and your mind starts to wander back to a previous time when you were happy with your ex. Would it be such a bad idea to throw rocks at his window on the drunken walk home from Monkey Suit? Yes, yes it would. Every time you start thinking about your ex, get out your purse because you’re about to buy another drink.
3. There’s an awkward silence.
We don’t mean a natural pause in conversation here. We mean a long, Made in Chelsea-style decade of silence. There are no words left to say – you’ve already covered all possible topics and you’ve only been there for half an hour. Instead, you find yourself staring at the wallpaper or people-watching (aka glaring enviously at real-life couples who are having a great time). Don’t suffer in silence: drink up.
4. You see him staring at another girl.
Sure, he can check out whoever he wants – it’s only your first date! But when he starts doing it very deliberately (winking may be involved), take this as your cue to go to the bar and drown your sorrows with the cute bartender.
5. He makes a sexist remark.
This may be a joke that he’s recycling from the 1950s, or maybe he strongly doesn’t “believe” in feminism (we weren’t aware that it was a religion!). Whatever it is that he says, he’s coming across as a misogynistic knob who needs to educate himself about gender inequality.
6. He has awkwardly sexual banter.
It’s true that there is nothing hotter than flirty banter, especially when accompanied by a cheeky leg stroke. However, when the sexual innuendos are non-stop and you’re not actually that keen on the person in the first place, the flirty chat is just…awkward. But do you know what makes life less awkward? Tequila.
7. He’s glued to his phone.
You’re in the middle of a story and he whips out his phone to check if his Instagram post has 11 likes yet (and you’re pretty sure that he’s texting Poppy whilst he’s at it!). Not only is it ridiculously rude to be on your phone on a first date, but it also leaves you not knowing what to do with yourself! We recommend that you take this time to fill up your shot glass.
8. He judges you for being weird.
You know a date is going well when you are able to be your usual goofy self and he cracks up and joins in. Yet tonight your hilarious Donald Trump impression is met with stony silence, and you’re pretty sure that if this was a Western film there would be tumble-weed going across the bar right about now… Life’s too short to hide your weirdness – if he doesn’t think you’re hilarious and cool, then down your drink and stride (or stumble) away from that trainwreck date with pride.
Naturally, it’s disappointing that Tinder Jeremy wasn’t your very own Chad Michael Murray. But, hey, who needs to have sexy times with a handsome stranger? Sometimes alcohol is the only lubricant you need to have a hoot and a half.