Coming out is a personal, unique experience. For me, it happened in increments – there wasn’t one big event where I gathered my friends, family, and loved ones and announced, “I’m queer!” It also wasn’t something I knew at a young age, or even something I knew quickly. It took me many years to understand that I wasn’t straight, to accept that I wasn’t straight, and to find an identifier that I felt comfortable with. I identify as pansexual, and my ‘coming out’ didn’t happen all at once.
Throughout middle and high school, I found myself getting more and more uncomfortable identifying as ‘straight,’ and I found my relationship with my own sexuality shifting and changing. However, I knew I liked boys. I had been attracted to boys from a young age – I loved flirting, I had crushes, and I had boyfriends. So I knew I wasn’t a lesbian. I even knew that being gay was okay, that homosexuality was accepted and embraced by the people I knew and cared for – I knew gay people, I loved gay people. But I didn’t really understand or see that there was a middle ground between straight and gay – I thought it was one or the other, so I identified as straight because I knew I liked boys.
As I got older, a lot of my (typically female) friends started identifying as bisexual, and slowly started to come out and openly stating their bisexuality. Because I had identified as straight for so long, I was supportive, but didn’t use this shift as a way to examine my own sexuality. Eventually, however, I started to look at girls and see my relationship with girls for what it was – I had been previously attracted to girls, and I had been interested in pursuing relationships with girls.
But the label of ‘bisexual’ never really fit me in the way that I wanted. It felt constrained to the idea of being attracted to two, when I really felt that I was attracted to all. Androgynous, nonbinary, genderfluid, boy, girl, I could see myself falling in love with anyone. A friend of mine actually suggested the term ‘pansexual’ in a Chick-fil-a parking lot, in all irony.
To keep with the theme of not fulfilling any classic troupes, I wasn’t even single as I was adjusting to this recognition of my own identity – I was in a long-term heterosexual relationship when I really started to examine my sexuality, and I was happy within that relationship; I wasn’t looking for a partner. And while I was nervous about coming out, and about sharing these feelings with the people I love, I knew their reactions would be positive and loving. I didn’t feel the immense fear that many queer people have felt.
So why come out at all? Why does my openness to being in a relationship or being attracted to all people no matter their gender identity or sex matter when I’m currently in a relationship–one I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon? Many people even choose not to specifically come out at all, or even have an ‘identifier’ like pansexual, gay, or queer. So what made me decide to come out as ‘not straight,’ and what made me choose an identifier?
Personally, my search for understanding of my sexuality didn’t come from the pursuit of a relationship, or even the pursuit of finding my identity, but I believe it came naturally from being in a relationship that made me feel completely comfortable within myself. Falling in love and finding a person that accepted me fully, and that I accepted fully, subconsciously pushed me to find all the parts of myself, and accept all of the parts of myself. It sounds weird, but falling in love with a guy allowed me to understand that I wasn’t straight. Because of this, I felt something of an obligation to share this newfound part of myself with the people who care about me, and who I care about.
My sexuality is a part of me, and a part of my identity. It took me a while, but I’m proud of my sexuality and my queerness. My ‘coming out’ happened in the span of a year and a half, culminating in an Instagram post (shameless plug follow me) of me attending my first gay pride festival. And, as expected, I got only positive reactions.
I am still in that heterosexual relationship, but I am even more proud that I am queer. I may be straight-passing, and I am sure there are queer and straight people alike who think I’m ‘faking’ or ‘going through a phase,’ but I know that I’m not. And I know that coming out was my choice, and is the personal choice of every queer person! No one else can decide whether or not someone should or shouldn’t come out except for the person themselves. So be proud of the spectrum of sexuality, of your own sexual fluidity, of the continued examination of your self, and express that pride in whatever way you want. If you have an identifier or not, if you have come out or not, if you attend pride or not – your identity is valid and incredible.