While everyone is out to dinner with their SOs or watching Fifty Shades Darker with their best friends, there are some brave souls who have valiantly chained themselves to their residence halls to protect college students from the dangers of underage drinking and the likes. The RAs on duty the night of Valentine’s Day have sacrificed heart-shaped chocolates and cheap wine for the greater good of their building community. Here is what V-Day will look like for the RAs on duty.
7:30 p.m.
Desk duty initiated. Cue all of the cliché candy, condom and sex ed passive programs.
8:15 p.m.
You have heard countless residents chuckle as you offer them condoms or candy. Almost all of them take the condoms while you and the desk assistants eat all of the candy by yourselves.
9 p.m.
Desk duty has ended and you meet up with your duty partner to start first rounds.
9:05 p.m.
The elevator doors open to reveal a condom thrown on the floor … guess the resident decided they didn’t need it after all and now you have a funny tale to write in the duty log.
9:30 p.m.
A sea full of scantily clothed freshmen girls walk past giggling suspiciously upon seeing you, you turn to see what the fuss is about and as the elevator doors close you notice a bottle-shaped lump under one girl’s dress. Stealthy.
9:45 p.m.
Loud music is coming from a room. You and your duty partner exchange a glance telepathically asking each other how you should proceed. As you’re standing there, the door opens and a boy with bloodshot eyes stands like a deer in headlights. He slams the door in your face.
9:50 p.m.
The boy finally lets you in and you begin to ask if he’s been drinking. He proceeds to bribe you with chocolate if you let him off easy. You tell him “no can do,” but still shamelessly accept the chocolate.
10:30 p.m.
First rounds are done and you are finishing up the incident report while indulging in the leftover candy from your passive program.
11 p.m.
Time for second rounds, hopefully this one will be less eventful.
11:15 p.m.
You and your duty partner are stopped in your tracks when you hear strange noises coming from one of the suites. You look at each other in horror upon realizing that the noises are stemming from a place of pleasure, not pain. Gross.
11:30 p.m.
Rounds are done and the coast looks clear.
11:31 p.m.
The elevator doors open to reveal a couple making out. *Ahem* They giggle and scurry away.
11:32 p.m.
You plop down on your bed with chocolate in tow ready to relax for the night.
11:35 p.m.
Your phone vibrates with a text message from your duty partner, “Can you fill out the duty log?” Ugh.
11:40 p.m.
Submit!
11:50 p.m.
Your phone starts ringing. Don’t be a duty call, don’t be a duty call. … Jk it’s just your late night pizza delivery. The only valentine you need.
Don’t forget about the RAs on duty this Valentine’s Day! Residents, if you want major brownie points, bring them snacks. … Seriously, though, bring me snacks.