“This is not my sob story”
To be completely honest, I was originally planning on writing this with an anonymous byline and in third person and with changed names so that no one would figure out who I was or connect my own story back to me. And while I decided to exclude some names to save face, the one that I couldn’t change or hide was my own because that would be hypocritical to one of the many very important lessons I learned from this experience: that abusive relationships are NOT the victim’s fault and there is no reason to be ashamed.
October is relationship and domestic violence awareness month, and that means different things to different people. To me, it means a month of support. This support comes in different ways; through messages from organizations that are publicized during October, through the support networks that occupy DePaul, and most of all through listening to other people’s stories. Hearing how other people had the strength to remove themselves from toxic relationships gave (and still does) me strength for my own situation. It also made me realize how I wasn’t alone in the struggle that I was going through and overcoming. The fact of the matter is that, according to Love is Respect, 43% of dating college women have reported undergoing violent and/or abusive dating experiences (“Dating Abuse Statistics”). That’s just the statistic for the women who reported their experiences. It is very common for a victim to live in fear of the consequences that might come about from telling their story.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here. I should start by saying this: this is not my sob story. This is also not a tattle-tale, blame-game story. This is simply my story which I tell in the hopes of helping someone else.
It’s hard to pinpoint a specific time when the abuse started. It wasn’t like he had gone from the hero to the villain very transparently or very distinctly. In fact even in the worst times, there were still redeeming qualities about him. There had to be, considering how long I stuck around. But that’s really what I believe makes abusive relationships so difficult to identify in the first place. There’s a reason that you fell for this person. They did something to gain your trust or your love. The fact that they’re doing something that completely contradicts that is often difficult to process. You think to yourself ‘they must be having an off day’ or ‘something must be up’ or even ‘oh gosh, was it something I said?’ And soon when the abusive behaviors become a pattern, these thoughts just grow more and more common in your head. A lot of times, you think there’s something you can do to “help” this person or change them. But in an abusive relationship, there’s nothing you can do to change the other person. They are who they are because it’s a ‘them’ thing, not a ‘you’ thing.
“My way of thinking was manipulated to believe that he needed me”
But that idea that you cannot change who they are isn’t always a neon-lit sign in your mind, especially in the heat of the abuse. That’s because the abuser wants you to believe they need you for support or stability of some kind. And whether there’s an ounce of truth in that or not, they use it to their advantage.
In my relationship, my way of thinking was manipulated to believe that he needed me. That without me, he would grow depressed or anxious or angry or upset. Whenever he would text or call me, it was expected that I answer immediately. Because he needed me. To keep his sanity, to keep him going, to keep him calm, to keep him from doing bad things to himself or others. There was always a reason why I needed to put my life on hold for him and his needs. He would manipulate my priorities and thoughts to mutate my entire way of thinking.
From there, things grew worse. But I guess the moment I figured out that things needed to change was when I didn’t feel safe anymore, when I began to realize that what he was saying and doing to me was following a pattern. It wasn’t just an ‘off day’ anymore, and I couldn’t continue to justify his actions and words to my friends, my family, and most significantly, myself.
As hard as the abuse was to endure, actually getting out of it was much harder. We had a series of conversations where his response would range anywhere from guilt-tripping to complete anger. He could go from using the ‘I Need You’ card to literally throwing things around. There was no way to predict his reaction when we had these conversations.
At first I tried to be rational and reasonable by saying we ‘needed to take a bit of a break’ and the cliché line, that I hate but used anyways, that I ‘needed some space’ which couldn’t have been more true. But his response was explosive. His reaction scared me into thinking that I would be better off to just stay with him.
“It was ruining me”
But after a few more weeks with him, I knew I couldn’t continue to be with him. It was destroying other relationships I had with my friends and family. And it was ruining me. I couldn’t think right, I was spiraling downward into a phase of depression, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what I was going through, and my thought process was just his words ringing in my head.
So with one click of the send button and a quick lunch date conversation, I took the ‘boyfriend’ label off of him and spent a good long time processing where to go next.
I felt completely lost. I’d been living my life for him for three long years that I wasn’t really sure who I wanted to be for myself. I threw myself into dance, and surrounded myself with my real support system – the people who I needed who actually needed me in a healthy way.
But what I really found the best support from was music. There were songs that built me up like “Part of Me” by Katy Perry, “Miss Movin’ On” by Fifth Harmony, and “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson but there were also songs that showed me that other people could relate to what I was going through like “Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato, “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri and “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson. There was nothing like the feeling I got when I heard other people singing about the pain they felt and knowing that I wasn’t alone. As beneficial as having supportive family and friends was, nothing compares to having someone be able to help you from their own experience.
Which is why I’m sharing my story now. Did I handle everything in my relationship in the best way possible? No, absolutely not. But I know what it’s like to be with someone who thrives on your misery. I know that identifying abusive behaviors is a lot harder than anyone really tells you. You can take as many health classes as you want, but that doesn’t make identifying and removing that relationship any easier.
“You’re the number one, the real MVP in your own life.”
Yes, it’s cliché to say that I learned so much from this experience, but honestly I did. My cousin told me this phrase that’s a good mantra. She told me that “you have to prioritize number one.” Remembering that you’re the number one, the real MVP in your own life, is so essential to your success and love of life.
He’s in another relationship now, and I’m more than happy with where I’m at. I see him occasionally, and it’s a reminder about what happened. But it’s also a reminder that what happened is in my past, and that I’ll never again have to worry about what he’ll say or do to me.
The important thing to remember if you’re dealing with or overcoming an abusive relationship is that there will be good days and bad days. Even when you think you’ve completely moved on, there might be a reminder or a thought that comes to mind that you’ll have to sort through and unpack. That’s normal.
Healing is a process. This experience will always be a part of your life story, and that’s okay. It’s made you who you are: a capable, beautiful, strong woman. And no one can take that away from you.