Once you’ve let the dust settle on the breakup, there are certain phases all of us need to go through to get back on the horse (so to speak). Post breakup rituals are as old as time itself. Anthropologists report that when ancient cavemen broke up, they would move into a different cave, throw out all the old rocks and digging tools that reminded them of their exes, and sat around like hermits feeling bad for themselves.
We haven’t progressed much since then. These rituals are like phases of the moon – you must wade through all of them in order to turn the tide. (I’ve suddenly gotten all mythological suddenly – I don’t even know if that’s the right word, but it feels right).
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Telling People
Post breakup, you must tell people. A couple of simple, strategic Facebook messages to the gossipiest people in your social circle should do the trick. Anything to avoid those terrible moments of social awkwardness. Like that moment when an acquaintance asks how your other half is and you see the crestfallen look on their face when you tell them, or when some random walks up to you in the middle of Shite Night and says, “Oh your Ex’s girlfriend!”.
GET. THE. WORD. OUT.
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New Hair
Everyone knows that in the classic 1998 film Sliding Doors things only got good for Gwyneth Paltrow when she got new hair. New Hair is the key to New Life. While you’re sitting in the chair getting your New Hair, you can also conduct a discussion with the hairdresser about the benefits of breakups, me I’ve done it a million times. Because really, they happen for a goddamn good reason. Shed the split ends of your former self and be born again out of the ashy-blonde of a rubbish relationship. Unshackle yourself from your dark roots of complacent companionship and boring conversations about how dry a twice-cooked chicken is. Dramatically spin around in your chair and face your best friend with your snazzy, look-at-me-now haircut. You are ready. Except if you’re ginger like me, and nobody will dye your hair for you, so you end up doing it yourself with a home kit, attempt to go brown but just end up a slightly darker shade of ginger.
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A Big Night Out
Arm yourself with your craziest, alcoholic friends (Shout out to Beauberella!), get some cheap prosecco down your throat, get your swiping thumb at the ready and show them what you’re made of. It’s time for a Big Night Out.
The world is your oyster, and by that, I mean eligible partners are being farmed into oblivion like cattle, so you better be quick! I hear they have cute people in bars and at parties. I’m not entirely sure though, being the unsociable hermit that I am. Since this is a really easy guide, here’s my hot tip on where to meet new people: Outside. Have you thought about going outside? I know it seems unconventional and scary, but there’s lots of things out there that other humans may also be present at. I know, crazy right?
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Finding Someone New Attractive
So, you’re there, just idly chatting to your loose, alcoholic friends, and in walks in some tall, fine drink of water. You double take. They’re perfect. Then everything moves into slow motion. You grip the glass, your eyes dilate, the lights dim. Spotlight and soft focus surround the perfect person in front of you. Etta James’s song “At Last” strikes up. Rose petals fall from above.
The perfect person glides towards you, eyes boring into you. Like they’ve arrived to rescue you, take you away, sweep you off your feet, onto their noble steed and into the sunset. You can almost hear the hooves clip-clopping when suddenly the record scratches, your friend squeals their name, skitters over and throws herself on them. She turns to you and gives a small introduction. You limply shake their hand as you struggle to hide your lady boner.
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Try Not to Blow It
Break-ups have baggage. No one is immune. Here’s your challenge. What everything has lead up to by now. You have your New Hair. You Told People. The time has come to bite the bullet and become the exciting, single person that you totally are.
Deep Breaths.
You initiate small talk, trying to ignore the Inner dickhead that tries to sabotage your exchange
Them: “Hi, uh, Sarah was it?”
You: “Eimear. But you know, Eimz for short”
Inner dickhead: NOBODY CALLS AN EIMEAR EIMZ! WHY ARE YOU TELLING HIM YOUR DADS NICKNAME FOR YOU? IDIOT!!!!
You: “Just Eimear is a-ok”
Inner self: NOW YOU SOUND LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD!! WHO WANTS TO DATE A 5-YEAR-OLD? DEAR GOD WOMAN!!!!
Them: “Oh cool, ok, Eimear is good. We’ll meet right back where we started”
You: “We can meet anywhere, anytime! Ha-ha!”
Inner self: STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!!
Them: “Well nice to meet you!”
You: “Nice to meet you too”
Inner self: NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME I NEED TO COMPLETELY IGNORE YOU FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT, STAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM AND ONLY GLANCE FURTIVELY IN YOUR DIRECTION BUT ABOVE ALL APPEAR TO SEEM LIKE YOU DON’T EXIST TO ME AT ALL BECAUSE I THINK YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL
AND FIND YOU ON FACEBOOK WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM.
Believe in yourself gal! The world is your oyster! I’m going to close with one of my favourite quotes ever from The Help: “You are Kind, You is Smart, You is Important”
Photo by Cody Black on Unsplash