I am a woman and I have a friend with benefits.
Even seeing those words strung together awakens a million butterflies in my stomach.
They are not there because of any excitement. They are not there because of any romance. Those butterflies are there because of fear.
Fear of what people would think and say if they knew. Fear of how I would be perceived as an individual. More importantly, fear of how I would be perceived as a woman.
I’ve thought about this a lot. I imagine him telling his friends; the pats on the back, the lads cheering, the supportive comments. Then I imagine me telling my own friends; the hushed tones, the warning for them not to tell a soul, the silent prayer that they won’t judge me.
And they won’t. My friends are wonderful. That I know for sure. However, I do think about how others would see me. I’m not viewed as the most promiscuous, particularly in college. So, would this snippet of information cast me in a new light?
I also think about how the guy, asleep on the other side of the bed after one of our fun filled nights, doesn’t have to think about these things. For him, it’s black and white.
As far as I can tell, he’s happy with our set-up and doesn’t have to consider society’s judgmental glare. It feels as though, as a woman, I have to live to some higher moral standard.
You’re probably reading this asking “why is she in this relationship if it makes her feel so badly?” but I don’t hate what I have. It’s actually perfect for me.
I was at a weird point in my life. Nearing the end of my teens, ready to lose my virginity and very single. I wouldn’t say that I’m conservative but the thought of losing it to a random person I’d never met, just didn’t sit right with me.
I totally respect the fact that one night stands are great for some and you all just keep doing you, but I needed to feel comfortable.
So when the opportunity came up to have sex with a guy I’ve been friends with for so long, I was completely on board.
We both agreed the T&C’s before going in, which I think is the most important thing you can do. If you’re not on the same page, this set-up is never going to work.
My first time was not perfect (is anyone’s?) but I was comfortable and sure that this was the right thing for me. I knew that if I wanted to stop at any moment that that was totally okay. There were zero expectations and zero pressure.
I left the next morning and lived my life as I normally would. We didn’t text or call because we didn’t need to. Our friendship had not had that dynamic before, so why should it now?
A couple of weeks later we saw each other and we weren’t in the mood, so nothing happened. We just chatted as normal and then went our separate ways.
Fast forward a month. We saw each other, we wanted to have sex, so we did. Really good sex. Again, we went our separate ways and lived our lives as normal.
This cycle has continued for the past 5 months and it works for us.
Society is generally becoming more accepting, particularly the younger demographic, but the stigma around sexually active women is very much alive. I think sometimes I even find I’m judging myself.
Then, (usually when the more rational part of my brain kicks in) I remind myself that I’m not in bed with society. I’m in bed with a friend and our set-up works for us. So isn’t that all that matters?
Thumbnail by Mohamed Nohassi