How To Be “Davidson Cool” By Someone Who Is Not:
I’m not cool. I never was in high school. I thought that would be different when I came to Davidson. And yet, here I am, yet again, completely at a loss for what the *bleep* constitutes cool anymore. I still call people on the phone. I use proper grammar and spelling on my social media posts. I don’t wear Birkenstocks and I am too literal and deliberate in everything I say and do to be the kind of “cool cat” that roams seamlessly around Campus, making ironic, sardonic, comments on bands that were “in” two months ago, wearing headphones (note: not earbuds), with an aloof sense of intellectualism that says “I don’t even want to be here, but I am and I’m doing it better than you.” So here’s a list I’ve compiled to substantiate what I think of all the “cool” kids are doing here at Davidson. Wanna fit in? Just stick to the list.
1. Wear a man-bun, (and that’s not gender specific, folks). Anyone can rock the Man-Bun.
2. Manufacture memes that only make sense to you and maybe the barista at Summit.
3. Wear the most unfathomably beat up white shoes you can find. Never be seen in brand new white shoes. Throw them in the mud on your walk to commons. You don’t want people to think you bought new shoes. You were born wearing beat up, worn in converse.
4. One Word: Chacos
5. Never be seen dancing to the following songs: Gasoline (is that it?), That “Sweat Drips from my testicles on the wall” song, and Anything by Calvin Harris.
6. Be a chain-smoker but don’t listen to the Chainsmokers. Ever.
7. Put a misquote from Jim Morrison in your Facebook bio.
8. In general, purposefully misspell everything in your Facebook public posts tu sem coooooolr.
9. What’s that you’re listening to as you stroll along Main Street contemplatively? Noam Chomsky on tape.
10. Never pet the dogs you see on campus. You’re above that.
11. Have a portable hammock, but never be caught in it. Put it in precarious, life-endangering positions.
12. Throw around the word “dichotomy” a lot.
13. Say you’re not a vegetarian— only eat vegetables.
14. Have a room in the Sustainability Co-Op, but don’t live there. You have your off-campus bungalow at the Depot for that.
15. Submit “Untitled” poems anonymously to Libertas. Tell everyone you wrote them.
16. Have a lot of records from German 90’s occult bands. Never buy a record player.
17. Own an acoustic guitar, play it at open-mic nights hosted by yourself. No one else was cool enough to be invited.
18. Write short stories about ecstasy use. Never have done drugs in your life. Drugs are whack and never cool.
19. Read only from inaccessible, experimental literature.
20. Carry around the entire 5-pound first edition of “Infinite Jest” in your backpack.
21. Have a Reddit forum page devoted to a Norwegian throat yodeling punk band that even you’ve never heard of.
22. Record an EP track about your quarter-life existential crisis. Release it directly to Walt Radio. (They need a big local star like you to get them some listeners.)
23. Put “Post-Modernist” on your Tinder bio.
24. Self-combust into a screaming amorphous blob of irony and self-loathing.
25. Graduate!
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