If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you might be a little nervous with Thanksgiving right around the corner. Thanksgiving break is notorious for being the end of many newly long-distance college relationships, hence the term “turkey drop.” However, take it from someone who has been long-distance for two-and-a-half years out of a three-year relationship: long-distance relationships can be difficult, but they can also be wonderful when done right with the right person. Of course, every relationship is different, but if you follow these general guidelines, you can make your long-distance relationship last.
1. Be equally committed
They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but if your partner* didn’t seem as committed to long-distance as you when you talked about it, the distance isn’t going to make them more committed. Ideally, both partners in any couple should be equally invested in making the relationship work, but this is especially important given the extra maintenance that a long-distance relationship takes.
If your significant other wasn’t thrilled about the idea of long-distance but you decided to compromise with some sort of trial period, just be prepared for the possibility that it won’t work out. Of course, it’s perfectly okay to go into a long-distance relationship unsure of whether it will work out or whether your partner is 100% committed. If it doesn’t end up working out, just keep in mind that sometimes we need to learn lessons the hard way, and sometimes we need a longer process to let go of someone even if it’s painful. However, if you’re not sure that it’s worth the pain, sometimes it’s easier to make a clean break. Only you and your partner can decide together what’s best for both of you. The key word here is together; you also don’t want to force a reluctant partner into a long-distance relationship.
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2. Set clear expectations for your relationship
You don’t have to talk about marriage, but before you embark on the long-distance leg of your relationship, make sure to have an open, direct conversation about the expectations for your relationship. There are usually about 5 options:
1) Make a clean break (painful but sometimes for the best)
2) Break up for now but agree that maybe you’ll get back together later when it’s possible for you to be closer geographically (this can sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations and prevent you from moving on, so this option works best if you really love each other but have to be apart for an extended period of several months or years)
3) Stay together in an open relationship (make sure to define the degree of open- flirting? Dancing? Casual dating? Kissing? Hooking up? Sex?)
4) Be single when you’re geographically separated but in a couple when you’re together (warning: this can be complicated)
5) Commit 100% to long-distance, but acknowledge the possibility that one of you might meet someone else in closer geographic proximity, in which case you would both be prepared to break up.
This is a difficult but necessary conversation to have that will save you both a lot of heartache and uncertainty. Not sure how to have the conversation? Try opening with something like, “So I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s going to happen when you/I go to [someplace far away].It seems like we have a few options, and I’d like to know how you feel about them.”
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3. Communicate!
Communication is already a challenge for many couples without the long-distance element, which means that in a long-distance relationship, it’s even more important. When you’re having a disagreement, being in each others’ presence can be reassuring, so when you can’t see each other in person, the distance tends to magnify conflicts. There are two major areas where communication goes awry:
Texting- The invention of texting has probably led to the downfall of thousands of relationships. Some people just aren’t very reliable texters, which can be frustrating for their partners and make them feel neglected. What’s so difficult about spending 10 seconds to type a response, right? If texting is that important to you, let your partner know. Tell them something along the lines of, “It really makes my day whenever I get a text from you, and I’d really like it if you could try to text me back sooner.” But it’s important to understand that there will be those hectic days when texting isn’t your partner’s first priority. Don’t send them 10 passive aggressive texts in a row and then give them the silent treatment. Do try having a “text at least once per day” policy.
Passive aggressiveness/bottling/the silent treatment- Sometimes it might feel like your partner should just know what they did wrong, or at least you hope that they’ll notice you sulking and guess. Unfortunately, people cannot read minds. It’s important to be direct and straightforward in a relationship instead of trying to “test” your partner or insist that nothing’s wrong when something is bothering you. Bottling up your feelings or giving your partner the silent treatment will not make them realize what they did to upset you; you need to put your resentment aside and gently tell them without being accusatory. Try saying something like, “Hey, you know how the other day [x happened]? Well, it actually sort of hurt my feelings. I would really appreciate in the future if [x could happen].” When filling in the blanks, it’s best to use the passive voice instead of the active voice, or phrase your thoughts using the words “we” or “I” instead of “you.” For example, instead of saying, “Hey, you know how the other day you made us late for dinner?” try saying, “You know how the other day we ended up being late for dinner?”
Just as a general note, never tell ANYONE “We need to talk.” If you want to have a serious conversation with your partner, just say something like, “Do you have time to talk later?”
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4. Find a weekly time to have Skype dates
I know some couples who would talk on the phone for an hour every night or Skype while doing homework together all the time, but my boyfriend and I are both too busy for that. Instead, we try to have a regular Skype “date” every weekend for two hours or so. Scheduling a weekly date means that the time you’re virtually spending together is intentional. I personally prefer to spend time focused on each other without distractions instead of Skyping while doing homework. During the week, we try to text semi-regularly or call when one of us is on a long walk.
The only caveat is that if one partner doesn’t view the Skype “date” as a scheduled commitment, they may leave the other person waiting and feeling frustrating, so make sure to communicate schedule changes to each other.
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5. Don’t get jealous, and don’t try to make your partner jealous
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, sometimes it’s easy to imagine the entire female (or male) population where your partner is conspiring to steal them from you. It can be envy-inspiring to see all the Facebook photos of your partner at parties or hanging out with other girls.
However, if you’re in a healthy relationship you should trust your partner, so take a deep breath and remind yourself that your partner cares about you—they chose you to be in a relationship with, and they care enough about you to commit to long-distance. It’s a good thing that your partner is making friends and having fun, and of course they wish that you could be there too. After all, would you rather have your partner be miserable in their room on a Friday night wallowing over how much they miss you, or would you rather see that they’re happy and doing well?
If you feel like your partner crossed a line with someone else, tell them calmly (making eye contact with, talking to, and platonically hanging out with other people doesn’t count). Trying to control who your partner socializes with is not healthy. And neither is trying to make your partner jealous, which goes for both of you. If you feel like your partner intentionally tries to make you jealous, it’s likely a sign that they’re insecure. It’s okay to admit to being a little jealous, as long as you don’t come across as paranoid and possessive. Try saying something like, “I have to admit, hearing about how you’re hanging out with other girls all the time makes me a little jealous. I can’t help it sometimes; you’re such a great guy/girl that everyone is in love with you. I’m happy that you have so many friends and I want to hear about them, but do you think you could try to mention other girls less?”
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6. Questioning your relationship sometimes is okay; cheating is NOT.
It’s perfectly fine to occasionally wonder, is this working? Is long-distance worth the pain? Am I still happy in this relationship? As long as you don’t obsess over these questions, it can be healthy to reevaluate how you feel in a relationship every now and then. Relationships are not sunsets and happiness 100% of the time; like everything else, they have their ups and downs. It’s normal to start doubting your relationship during a rough patch.
HOWEVER, and this is a big however, if you’re doubting your feelings for your partner because you have strong feelings for someone else, this could be your heart telling you that it’s not fully in the relationship anymore. Of course, it’s okay to find other people attractive or innocently flirt with someone else, as long as you don’t act on it. No one deserves to be cheated on (even if your partner cheated on you in the past), so if you feel the urge to cheat, you should break it off with your current partner before doing something you’ll regret and causing everyone involved a lot of hurt.
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7. Give each other space
When you’re in college, there are so many exciting opportunities and experiences available to you. In a long distance relationship, this can feel like a double-edged sword: you wish your significant other were there to share all of these experiences with you, but at the same time it gives you both that much more to talk about.
It’s natural to want to talk to your partner any time you miss them, but resist the urge to call too often. Long distance relationships are a great way for partners to see how they grow as individuals within a couple without growing apart. Make sure that you’re both giving each other enough space to be enjoying college. After all, a little independence can be healthy.
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8. Mail each other physical reminders that show you care
One of my teachers in high school once told our class that he felt bad for our generation because we won’t have dozens of handwritten love letters to store in a memory box and look at when we’re old. Being in a long-distance relationship gives you the perfect opportunity to send a love letter or a care package to your significant other. Even if you can’t be together physically, you can send your partner physical reminders of you. Make a painting or a mix CD, write a poem, or bake cookies. Your partner will feel loved and be reminded of how much they love you.
And finally…The Golden Rule of Relationships: (this applies for long-distance as well as other relationships) If you care about your partner’s happiness more than or as much as your own and your partner does the same for you, you will both want what’s best for both of you which means that your mutual happiness is the priority of your relationship. Basically, just be a caring person and everything will work out! Good luck to all the long-distance lovers out there.
*In an effort to be inclusive to readers everywhere along the gender and sexuality spectrums, this article uses terms such as “significant other” and “partner” in place of more cis/heteronormative terms like “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” So go out and love whomever you want to!