The Most Dramatic Finale Ever

           As an embarrassingly devoted Bachelor fan I’ll be the first to tell you that whenever Chris Harrison denotes the upcoming finale as “the most dramatic season finale yet” I usually scoff at the TV and shove some more chips down my throat without giving him a second thought. But I have to give it to him this year because this actually was by far the most dramatic finale out of anything ever produced... EVER.

            Am I being dramatic? Maybe, but holy roller coaster of emotions- do I start with Corrine and DeMario or just jump right into Raven and Adam? Also, I know everyone must have been thinking it- where was The Tickle Monster and why wasn't Matt there either? Also Santa Claus? I see you not being up front and center. ALSO, Wells in the audience?? Are we just not going to address that him and Danielle probably had the most epic Bachelor kiss of all time?

            Asking for a friend.

            I mean start out right away rocking the boat with Corrine and DeMario why don't you- and literally how awkward must that have been?

           Corinne: I wish we could've talked during it and been there for one another.

           Like yeah maybe you could've been if your lawyers weren't trying to file a law suit against him? Just a thought. I typically avoid people who try to press charges against me, but I mean, that's just me.

            And yet watching the Dean-muda Triangle was exponentially more uncomfortable than watching the subjects of the summers biggest scandal. Dean, the heartthrob of Bachelor Nation, crashed and burned in that love triangle, our old love never to be seen again. Instead we got some crazy and indecisive (but still very attractive) Dean who tried juggling two girls at once... while all of them lived within three feet of each other. Please let me know how he thought that was going to go. If it didn't work for John Tucker, I'm sorry Dean, but it won't work for you either.

            But I digress.

            I don't even know if I can blame Dean in full because honestly, Kristina and DLo kept going back to him. DLo- he literally dumped you on national television and told you he was in love with someone else. So you then go home and hook up with him? At that point I actually can't even feel bad for you, the only thing I feel is a deep hope that you look yourself in the mirror now and realize it's time to make some changes. Including those two horrible butterfly tattoos on your calves. Yes we saw them, yes we hate them.

            I mean its almost evil. I’m watching him sob uncontrollably, professing his love for Kristina, and can actually hear the sound of my heart breaking, and I’m thinking “oh my God, he's back, this is my Dean.” Then five minutes later I’m immediately reminded of why he got booed upon his introduction. All you had to do in that moment was tell Kristina you still loved her and we all know that she would’ve taken you back, but no you couldn’t follow through as usual. It’s fine, I’m fine. Well, not yet, but I’m moving past it.

Almost as gracefully as Daniel handled his public humiliation on live TV (NOT!!!).

            Honestly, props to Lacey for being a straight bad ass and exposing him to all of America. Go back to Canada dude! Bring your uncomfortably snug Canadian flag speedo with you too please, we won’t miss either one of you!

            What I will miss for sure, is Adam and Raven. Holy God. Why didn’t we get more Radam throughout the season?? Why, Chris Harrison, why did you hoard this adorable relationship all season and show it to us at the end?? I nearly melted watching their morning after the Fantasy Suite. I mean how much cuter could it have gotten, I’m seriously curious.

            Instead of watching those adorable angels, I was instead being force-fed countless uncomfortable scenes of Scallop Fingers hooking up with every guy on the beach that wasn’t wifed up, while eating scallops. Okay, I’ll admit she wasn’t hooking up with them WHILE she was eating the scallops, but I was affected all the same. Also, her current track record is a serial killer, a Tickle Monster, and a penguin. So, I’ll just leave that there and you can do with it what you wish.

            Speaking of leaving, we can for sure talk about Amanda and Robby NOT leaving together, as well as the train wreck of a relationship that supposedly blossomed, crashed, an burned between their departure and this live show. Ken, I mean Robby, (pathetically) begs Amanda to date him, and then cheats on her. Typical. Now it makes a lot more sense why he’s been on two dating shows and has the job title of “Social Media Influencer".

       And now, I feel like I’ve spent the obligatory amount of time skirting around the obvious best part of the entire show- Taylor and Derek. If you’re gonna tell me that you liked either one of them going into this you’re lying. I saw them both and was anxiously anticipating their exit from Paradise, but you know, they work. I literally was obliterated into a puddle of mush when he made her stand up and was saying “Isn’t she just so beautiful?”

       GET YOU A GUY WHO DOES THAT.

       Absolutely adorable- a job well done Derek. I may or may not have rewinded their part and rewatched it. If you couldn’t tell, I’m emotionally stable, definitely not beside myself that I have to wait until January for another Bachelor franchise show.

      Don’t judge me. Chances are you probably feel the same if you:

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            So where do we go from here? We wait for The Bachelor to air, prepping our Fantasy Leagues, awaiting the arrival of the time of year we can sit on our couches for two hours and completely forget that we are irreconcilably single and indulge in our love lives being lived vicariously through a television screen.

 

            Until then, cheers Bachelor Nation.

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