When I was younger, I used to fantasize about having the perfect wedding with the perfect husband and the perfect life and the perfect kids and the perfect everything. I’m obviously not going to bore everyone with the details, because that isn’t the point of this, but I just want everyone to be aware that I was a “normal” girl growing up.
Ick. It makes me cringe just writing that.
The thing is, I never was a normal girl growing up. I played outside, I hated the beach, and I hated dresses (still do). I never watched makeup tutorials or shopped in the dressier section of clothing stores. Prom was never my favorite part of the school year, and I decided early on that I wasn’t going to college for the same things as all my feminine classmates.
After realizing what it was that I wanted to do with my life, I figured out that the stereotypical woman’s life wasn’t on my list. After I noticed just how expensive weddings and family and life was, coupled with the fact that I really just want to travel, I made the executive decision not to get married or have kids.
Of course, I made this decision in the beginning of high school, so you can imagine how that went over with my peers. I was already the weird one, the band kid with the loud mouth and the know-it-all persona, but this just intensified it. Amongst my peers and my family: “Oh, you’re too young to know what you’re saying,” or “Oh, never say never.” (Honestly, that one’s my personal favorite.)
One of my high school English teachers instantly defended me the moment a classmate of mine said that. She had been going through the exact same thing all her life, despite the fact that her boyfriend had his own children. And she discussed how, even then, people bugged her to have her own children.
But why does that have to be the only thing?
People are so quick to support women who want a career and success and to do fun things, as long as the ending includes settling down. But what if we don’t want to settle down? There’s too much world, too much to see, too much to do to settle down.
I’ve met some people who are supportive of the whole no kids thing, but practically everyone gets up-in-arms about me not wanting to get married. “Aren’t you afraid of being alone?” they ask. “How would God feel about you not being married?” (That’s my other favorite).
Like, why is it so hard for people to let me live my goddamn life?
It used to make me pretty upset. It seemed like I was this one lone voice, saying that I didn’t want to waste thousands of dollars on this one time event and just a piece of paper. That traveling I just talked about? Imagine the places you could go and the things you could do if you didn’t spend that money on a wedding. And, what’s so boring about being alone? You don’t have to wait for anyone, don’t have to deal with their problems.. I never said I didn’t want a committed, monogamous relationship. I just said that I’m not going to center my adult life around the idea that my relationship is defined as successful if this piece of paper exists with our names on it. Marriage is a social construction meant to symbolize ownership between two people — they claim each other, and no one else can claim them.
Everytime I think about that, I think about a caveman pulling a woman by her elbow and shaking his club at another caveman and saying in his own language, “She’s mine! Back off!” (and my feminist brain screams internally)
It’s not that I’m saying my way is the best way. If you want to live your life the way you’ve been socialized to believe is right, then go for it. I will support you one hundred percent… It’s your choice.
What I don’t support is the judgement for those of us who choose not to go that route, regardless of what way we do. Whatever choice I make is mine. I only ask for the same kind of support I give to others because my choice is mine, and who are you to tell me how I should live my life?
So, for all you women out there who feel like people don’t respect your decisions as strong, empowered women, this one’s for you. Go out there, live your truth, guard your heart, and smile in the face of the haters.