Dear The Pope,
I know your secret. Who do you think you’re fooling? I’ve known ever since your papal coronation that you’re living a double life. You, his holiness, are none other than teen-pop-sensation Willow Smith! I know this could be taken as heresy, but know that I don’t make such claims rashly. I’ve compiled a slick, Buzzfeed style ‘listicle’ to indict you of your massive fraud! So sit back and watch as I dismantle your palace of un-truth.
1. The Hip-ness
When you think 14-year-old daughter of a famous millionaire/elderly leader of the ecclesiastical province of Rome, you probably don’t immediately think, “edgy.” Well, it seems as though you may have to reconsider your prehistoric conceptions. Willow Smith is too cool for school. She’s only 14 and she’s already repping bell hooks and Gloria Steinem, cultivating an ‘eclectic’ esthetic, and is apparently Drake’s Muse. What have you done? Likewise when she’s moonlighting as the Pope she’s introduced a new progressive tilt to the papacy. This new Pope (who’s tooootally not Willow Smith… psh) is a big proponent of not killing the poor or the planet, a revolutionary concept for Popes. A revolutionary genius comes along ONCE in a generation and innovates their field, and I’m expected to believe these two exist at the same time? The answer can only be that these two are one.
She thought she was slick
2. The Disconcerting Nature of The Hip-ness
Willow/Francis are certainly on trend and edgy for a Pop Star/Pope; however, Willow-Pope carries a definite air of unorthodoxy (pun intended). Despite the admittedly well done hip ornamentation, there’s a certain gravitas and ethos deficit that makes digesting Willow-Francis’ papal positions and music videos a special kind of uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s because we don’t expect a pope to do a total reversal on the zeitgeist of what the traditional pope is known to do. Perhaps it’s off the beaten path to see a teenage girl (who is also a millionaire) embracing “indigoism” and spouting 3rd eye rhetoric, and maybe it has everything to do with Willow’s young age and still-developing stage presence. Don’t believe me? Take one listen to her musical theater-esque vocal delivery on Wit A Indigo and reconcile Willow’s simultaniously cool-yet-uncomfortable schtick.
Disclaimer: I’m in no way trying to turn this article into a beat down on a 14 year-old creative. Willow is doing pretty well for herself artistically considering her age. She has a lot of creative control and I can see her developing herself into a more substantial artistic force, but as of right now this discomfort persists. Ultimately, who am I to judge?Willow Smith is a musician, model, and the leader of the most ancient and adorned sect of the Christian faith. That’s a heavy burden to bear when you don’t even have your learner’s permit.
3. The Beautiful Fashions
Willow, yas! Slay their whole careers!
Gee, Pope! You look great today!
Need I say more? These “two” have exquisite “senses” of style. Perhaps too similarly exquisite. Still not convinced, people?
4. The Oh-So-Convenient Timeline
Remember way back in 2010 when we were all jamming to the iconic bop, Whip My Hair? Of course you do. We all were. Whipping our hair hither and tither like the young care-free rebel-rousers we were. Willow was on an unstoppable media catapult, rocketing straight to the top of the charts and our hearts. In 2011 she treated our sonic reciptors with the unforgettable “21st Century Girl” and the visonary collaboration with Nicki Minaj, “Fireball.” Willow was more than the fireball of the party. She was the fireball within all of us. In 2012, Willow broke down her walls and delivered a raw ballad with the soulwrenching, “I am Me,” but was this an anthem or was Willow’s sonorous melody more of a cry for help? Was she herself? Would she always be herself? Willow upset the world when she failed to deliver a single in 2013, but then managed to make a huge comeback in 2014 with her smash hit, “8.” But my inner Willow Smith fan and general cultural observer begs the question we were all thinking: What kept Willow so busy in 2013? What was going on in her life?
One major world event was Pope Francis’ inauguration into the Papacy that March. Coincidence? This blogger thinks not. It all seems a little too convenient, don’t you think? Willow’s career is on a non-stop rise and suddenly she’s MIA? In this same year, a near upstart Pope revolutionizes the Pope-hood? Now who’s being illogical? Willow needed 2013 to feel out the papacy before she got back in the studio to record more tracks, and she’s back and better than ever. In fact, she’s been releasing music under two names. If you recall, “Pope Francis” recently put out a rock album, but I’d know those vocals anywhere.
I’ve been found out!
5. You’ve never seen Willow Smith and Pope Francis in the same room
The jig is up. Pope Francis, if that is your real name, I’m gonna need you take off your bald cap, remove your Scooby Doo style mask, and come clean. Willow, listen, as the president of your fan club, I care about you deeply. You don’t need to hide anymore, we all love and accept you. I know it can be hard to own up to lying to the entire world, but you have to do it, because we need you to release a debut album. Stop being such a Frank Ocean about it and do it please.
Much Love,
Your #1 Fan