Hello Collegiettes!!
In this week’s post I will be talking all about friendship! You know those people that you hang out with almost everyday, the ones who may or may not drive you crazy, but you still love none the less… the family that you, yourself picked out! Well I’ve received quite a few emails pertaining to friends and I thought I would answer a few of those questions now.
Question 1: “How do you forgive a friend after they have betrayed you?”
The Advice: Betrayal comes in all forms and some are more serious than others. For example, your best friend borrowing your shirt and never giving it back is not as serious as your best friend sleeping with your ex-boyfriend. (Unless you really loved that shirt than you might feel differently.) Nonetheless I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. Now I’m not saying you should completely forgive your friend and forget all about what happened. I am saying that you should sit and really think about what happened and what will happen. Friends are not always easy to come by, especially best friends, so before you go and drop your friend and delete them from existence you need to really think!
First, you should sit and talk to this friend and hear what they have to say. Most of the time what you come to find is that the problem is not as serious as you think it is; most of the time problems are blown way out of proportion! The next thing you need to do is sit and think: is this someone you can see yourself being friends with years from now? Is this person someone you have always enjoyed being around and has normally been really good to you? And lastly will you ever be able to move on from this? If this is someone you can see being in your life for a long time and this is the first time they have ever hurt you then you should try to forgive them; everyone makes mistakes!!
Now if you decide to forgive this person, you also need to try and move on. You can’t keep throwing what they did to you in their face because that just proves that you are not over it and have not really forgiven them! Forgiving someone after they have hurt you is a very brave and bold move. It shows how mature and caring you are because you are willing to be selfless and give someone a second chance. Life is hard enough and if we decide to just give up on anyone who ever hurts us we will end up living a very lonely and sad life. People mess up, after all we’re only human, but as humans it is also our job to forgive one another when we are at our lowest and to be there for one another when we need to be.
Question 2: “What are signs that you are in a toxic friendship?”
The Advice: In my last paragraph I said that you should always give people a second chance and forgiveness is key and that is all true, but there is a point when you have to stop forgiving and start forgetting. That is when you have yourself a toxic friend. Urban Dictionary describes a toxic friend as “A friend who when around you belittles you or makes you feel bad about yourself. Someone you hate to be around. Someone who everyone fears, but is still their friend.”
There are a few signs that can help you detect whether or not you are in one! Some traits of a toxic friend are; being negative to the point of being insulting, unsupportive (as in you are always there for them, but they are never there for you!), someone who is envious/jealous/possessive, manipulative (someone who is only around or nice when they need something), selfish or self-centered, untrustworthy (you like them, but know you can’t trust them), insincere, unavailable, inconsiderate, and of course a bad influence! If you have a friend like this you are under no obligation to continue being friends with them, no matter how long you’ve known them or how close you once were! The moment a “friend” starts to make you feel bad about yourself or starts pushing you to do things you don’t want to do is the moment you need to cut them loose! We have enough going on in our lives there is no time for people who make you feel less than you truly are! Remember this, never forget this: you are here for a reason, you have so much going for you and anyone who makes you feel less than you are is not a true friend. Do not feel bad for letting go of negative influences! DO NOT STOP LIVING FOR ANYONE!
Question 3: “My best friend has been having a tough month and I want to make her feel better, but I don’t know how. Her life is very different from mine and she was brought up differently and I love her exactly as she is, but I don’t know how to help her when I can’t relate to her situation. What do I do?”
The Advice: Of course when your best friend is hurting all you want to do is grab them and put them in a burrito of blankets and protect them from anything and everything that may hurt them. Now metaphorically yes, this is a great way to save them, but realistically blanket burritos can only help so much. Most of the time when a friend is hurting all they want is to have someone there to talk to, someone who will listen to them and just be there to support them, not someone who is going to solve all of their problems. Everyone leads different lives; no one person is the same, not even identical twins are the same! This doesn’t mean we can’t be there to support and guide one another. It just means that we have to be more patient and look at things in different ways, be more open and try to see things from their perspective!
For example, you may come from a background where you parents are lenient and want you to live your life on your own terms and just be who you are, but your friend might come from a family that is more strict and expects their children to follow in their footsteps. Now this DOES NOT mean your family loves you more; it just means you come from different backgrounds! Each family comes with its own set of problems! Your lenient and go with the flow parents may seem to never care and not understand your frustration and your friend will have to try and understand you just as you would have to try and understand their problems with their overbearing parents, as they may see them. Friendship is about being there for one another and trying to help one another the best we can. So the next time your friend comes to you with a problem, don’t think they want you to solve their problem. Just stop and listen and let them know you are there for them no matter what. And if you want to make her feel better take her out for a Girls’ Day and help her forget about her problems for a while!!
If you have any questions or advice of your own, please feel free to email me at hccalstatela@gmail.com with “ADVICE” in the subject line. I always look forward to hearing from you guys!!