In the past, unmarried women who acted on sexual impulses were scorned at best and confined in mental hospitals at worst. A lot has changed since then, at least in America. We have the freedom to dress as we choose and act on our desires, but these freedoms often come with a social price.
Despite our freedoms, today’s young women find themselves in a culture war over sexual morality. Fall outside the sexual “norms” on one side of the spectrum and you’re labeled a “slut,” but girls at the other extreme are seen as “close-minded” and “prudish.”
Let’s explore some of the language and misconceptions surrounding the choice to have or abstain from sex.
If you’re sexually active:
“You’re disrespecting yourself.”
Going after what you want is the opposite of disrespecting yourself. If you want sex and you go out and get it (safely and consensually), power to you, girl! Not everyone has the confidence to pursue their desires. The only disrespect that can arise from sex is if your partner is mistreating you or vice versa. If you think that’s the case, please consider counseling and take a look at this link from the Office of Women’s Health.
“You’re cheapening an act of love.”
Though some prefer to save sex for partners they have an emotional connection with, sex does not equate love. Yes, sex can be an expression of love, but at its core an act of pleasure and yep, I’ll say it, procreation. Sharing physical intimacy with more than one person doesn’t devalue it for the others you share it with. By the same logic, any kiss after your first kiss would mean “cheapening” an act of love.
“Who wants damaged goods?”
The phrase “damaged goods” is much more damaging to women than pre-marital sex. Since when is it acceptable to appraise the value of a person as you would an object? This statement implies that the worth of a woman is entirely dependent on the status of her virginity. This is archaic thinking and for good reason. People are complex and judging someone based on one characteristic is wrong. This isn’t Tess of the D’Urbervilles; this is the 21st century.
If you’re abstinent:
“Why wouldn’t you test drive the car before you take it home?”
This implies that sex is the most important factor of a relationship. While sex is undeniably important, partnership, respect, and love should be the cornerstones of any relationship, particularly marriage. Many women who are abstinent choose to nurture these emotional aspects of a relationship instead of the physical. This question also insinuates that after having unfulfilling sex, there’s nothing a couple can do to but exchange a tearful farewell and part ways. Bad sex isn’t something any couple is doomed to. An open mind, good communication, and realistic expectations can fix nearly any relationship problem, including sexual.
“Are you asexual?”
The reasons behind abstinence aren’t as simple as not wanting sex. There are as many reasons to have sex as there are to abstain from it. Some who are abstinent may be asexual. Some are waiting to share sex with their spouse for religious or emotional reasons. Others haven’t found someone they care and trust enough to become physically intimate with. And of course there are health reasons like staying free of STIs, STDs and pregnancy. Whether you’re single or in a committed relationship and waiting until marriage, abstinence is often a choice that takes strength of character to keep.
I have friends who have taken a vow of chastity and I have friends who have had multiple partners in their lives. There’s no discernable difference between them in my eyes. The concepts of sexual purity and virginity are just that, ideas. Sexual morality is about having the strength to stick to your own values, not bending to cultural pressures out of fear or shame. So let’s stop the slut-shaming, let’s quit rolling our eyes at purity rings, and instead let’s remember that beneath all the stereotypes, we’re more alike than different.
If you’re interested in these topics, take a Women and Gender Studies class or attend a SAFER event.