This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Cal Poly chapter.
- *Sees movie poster outside the theatre* I don’t know whether I’m thrilled or terrified about what is going to happen in this movie.
- Okay, cool. I’m not the only person in this theater.
- Oh my gosh, why is there an old man sitting by himself? Why would he need to see this movie?
- Then again, why do I need to see this movie?
- I can’t believe they made another Hot Tub Time Machine.
- Focus Features? Jamie Dornan’s features are what I’ll be focusing on.
- THIS MOVIE HAS SUCH A GREAT SOUNDTRACK.
- All of Christian’s clothes are grey. How surprising.
- This Anastasia chick is literally Bella Swan.
- How can college students afford an apartment this nice?
- Anastasia’s roommate is way prettier than her.
- Everyone at this office is also wearing grey.
- Did she really just fall down?
- Oh, hello perfect specimen of a man, clearly fashioned in the image of a Greek god.
- This interview is so uncomfortable.
- Can we just skip to the parts where Jamie Dornan takes his clothes off?
- “I exercise control in all things.” SMH.
- Anastasia, the fact that you’re studying English Literature is pretty much the only reason I like you.
- This film is way too intense, and it has only been five minutes.
- I can’t believe you just let your roommate steal your sandwich! You do not sacrifice food in college!
- Wow, this girl would work at a hardware store with an attractive man she casually spends her time pretending doesn’t exist.
- Did Christian just show up at her work?!
- He is a stalker.
- Christian is a stalker.
- Anastasia, why would you want this man who stalked you when you have that lovely coworker?
- I never knew hardware could be so sexual.
- Christian doesn’t smile, he smolders.
- Don’t touch her face passionately and then run away from her! This is how trust issues are created.
- If someone gifted me with first-edition books, I’d probably sleep with them too.
- Anastasia should be drunk all the time. She’s an amazing DAB.
- That moment when she throws up and says “Don’t look at me” is so real.
- “I will launder this item.” Drunk Anastasia is my favorite.
- HE IS SHIRTLESS.
- HE IS SHIRTLESS AND HE ATE HER TOAST AND SMOLDERED.
- Whenever he says “Laters, baby,” I melt.
- And then suddenly a helicopter appeared.
- Wait, there’s more! Not only do I own a helicopter, I can fly one!
- I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH HOW LOVELY THIS SOUNDTRACK IS.
- Edward Cullen has a piano, too.
- Let me get this straight. If she doesn’t do what you want, you’re going to hurt her?
- K, bye forever.
- But this apartment is so nice.
- OMG here comes the playroom everybody.
- Christian seriously just needs a hug.
- I can’t believe she’s a virgin.
- Pretty sure Edward also asked Bella if she trusted him, and then he turned her into a vampire.
- There is way too much boob happening here.
- I don’t even see my own nipples this much.
- Aaaand that is a man butt.
- Gross, why is his chest weird?
- That’s one sexy skylight.
- I’m just waiting for Christian to admit he’s a vampire.
- Cool. Casually playing piano while naked in the darkness.
- Love isn’t a contract, yo.
- Wowie! Anastasia gets to have one date with you! How generous!
- If he told me he’d slept with 15 women, but that they didn’t mean anything because those girls didn’t get to ride in his helicopter, I’d probably punch him in the face.
- Kate (Anastasia’s roommate), you are so nosy! Let homegirl have her time!
- This new apartment is also way too nice for college students.
- How can they just afford to buy a new apartment?
- Why is my life not this glamorous?
- Time for Christian to reveal his traumatizing backstory.
- I wish business meetings in real life were like this, mainly because I want to be served free sushi.
- HE BOUGHT HER A CAR.
- I take back every bad thing I ever said about Christian.
- That embarrassing photo of Anastasia is actually SpongeBob from the Christmas party.
- I wonder how long it took Jamie Dornan to learn how to braid hair for this role.
- Bow down to Queen Bey.
- You can’t be mad that she’s going to visit her mom. Moms are everything,
- “I’m having dinner with an old friend.” More like “I want to give you severe trust issues and drive you crazy, then tell you it’s your fault.”
- Give the girl back her Cosmo!
- This plane ride is the stuff of nightmares.
- If someone took me on this date I would be vomiting everywhere.
- Time for Christian to share more about his troubled past.
- What a classy peacock feather.
- I feel so much apprehension for what is about to happen next.
- Literally covering my eyes in the theater.
- Everyone around me is gasping and whispering.
- He’s just straight-up hitting her.
- I’m so sad.
- Anastasia is also so sad.
- Why did you do this Christian?!
- I hate that you’re so attractive when you’re sweaty.
- No! Don’t give him back the car! Take the car and run!
- Run after her! Tell her you love her and that you’ll change! That’s literally candy to all the women in this room.
- Anastasia.
- Christian.
- OMG.
- It’s over.
- WHAT WAS THAT ENDING?
- RAGE QUIT!
- I regrettably admit that I’m excited for the sequel, mainly to see more of Jamie’s delicious v-lines.