The 11 Friends Everyone Has-- As Told By Kristin Wiig

1. The Closet Diva

 

This friend will spend an hour on her make-up then pretend she doesn’t know what bronzer is. When she wants to go—we go. When she wants to leave—we leave. Her #1 fear is that her resting bitch face will wash away and reveal just how much of a pre-Madonna she is. But we still love her.

 

2.  The “I’ll support you through literally everything” friend

This is the girl you go to when you want your absolute worst idea legitimized. She will always respond with a resounding “”HELL YEA”, then watch as you crash and burn. She honestly believed she was giving good advice when she told you it was the best idea in the world to go up to that guy and tell him you stalk him at the gym. Honestly, she did. (I’m still sorry about that!)

3. The TMI means “Tell Me (I)Everthing” girl

Thank you sweetie, but we really didn’t want to know what you found when cleaning under your bed today. As much as we love you, there are things that are best kept between you and yourself. 

 

 

4. The friend who regrets everything she does

 

 

Perhaps because of the guidance from friend #2, this girl always ends up in a bathroom stall crying her eyes out while you stroke her hair. She’ll dance on the table all night and then proceed to delete her Facebook and wear a mask for the next week. 

 

5. The Charity Case

 

She’ll take your money in return for her friendship. Don’t be her.

 

6.The Inexperienced Flirt

You’re the ultimate wing-women for this girl but nothing seems to stick. You’ll introduce her to every guy at the party and she always manages to weird them out. She’s pretty and fun but somehow always starts talking about Pokémon and tampons when in the presence of boys. Just love her. She needs you.

 

7. The Bungee-jumper

She will never need affirmation from #2 or cry like #4, though her decisions are just as reckless. Theme parties are her heaven and karaoke is her paradise. She’s unapologetically who she is and literally doesn’t give a sh*t what people say. Unlike #4, she will dance on the table all night and then wear a sign for the follow week that says “THAT WAS ME”. A thrill seeker, she is the best friend to have a around when you want to let loose and the worst if you’re afraid of heights.

8. The Debbie-downer

She knows that y’all love her, but wants to hear you say it anyways. She is the first one to tell you its gonna rain, the last one to tell you that you look good, and the only one to tell her all the woes of her life. Always be there with a shoulder to dry her tears and muffle her complaints. 

9. The Hypocrite

She’ll tell you the guy you’re talking to isn’t cute then make out with him while you’re in the bathroom. She denies everything she does and expects you to do the same. Little does she know you’ve got the whole truth stashed in your photo library for when her hierocracy reaches its peak.

10. The Activist

She doesn’t eat meat because cows are cute, finishes all her food because she’s solving world hunger, and refuses to take a Jello shot because a “poor horse was forced to pee for you to have fun”. You can find her on the green handing out flyers and shouting at passersby. She keeps life interested, keep you engaged, but is the last person around when you just want to eat your burrito in peace. 

11. The (Fill in the Blank)

This friend is unexplainable. You never know where she is or what she’s doing but then she’ll text you out of nowhere: “I bought a lizard!”. Her dance moves are unique and her stories make no sense but she’s the best person to have around when you want a reminder that you’re more sane than you think.  

I’m not bashing my friends—I promise you. If anything I am telling them how much I love them. In a strange way. We all know we have these friends and we all know we are these friends. Because even though our friends fit in 360 degrees of weird—we’d be lost without them. 

 

 

 

 

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Julianna is a first year at Brown University. She is planning on concentrating in Anthropology or an Independent Concentration in Social Innovation. She runs the Blog for SEEED, a student group based on promoting Social Enterprise as well as her personal blog called "The Yellow Pages". She is also a member of Club Soccer, Club Lacrosse, Kappa Delta, and Jockapella. She loves to write, draw, explore, and play guitar. (find The Yellow Pages at juliannabradleyyellowpages.wordpress.com)

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