**Disclaimer: This article reflects the opinion of the author and is not meant as a reflection upon the student body at Brandeis or any other University.
Let’s play a game of make believe. Just for a second. Let’s pretend there is no such thing as Thirsty Thursdays, or Wednesday bar night; red solo cups are reserved for Manischewitz at Passover dinner; the only other word associated with pong is ping; shot gunning Vodka only happens between KGB members, or Putin and his inner circle; the phrase “black out” or “hammered” or “trashed” or “messed up” are used to describe an electrical outage or a carpentry project or, God forbid, a simple mistake, respectively. Let’s pretend we can recall what happened to us last Saturday night.
Let’s keep pretending. Just for a bit longer. What if frat parties or basement mingling’s ran on Kool-Aid or Hawaiian Punch? Would Jim have met Jane? Would they still be Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Would that person have been assaulted? Would another be accused of the assault? What if we could all be ourselves, really and truly, without getting a little loose first? Would we still dance? Would we laugh as loudly? Be as honest? Let’s pretend the seeds of a former college superstar’s alcoholism weren’t sown during his freshman year at college. Would his wife have stayed? Would he have that DUI? Would he still be employed? Would he be going to AA meetings every Sunday morning?
What if we never shouted, “chug!” or took jello shots? What if we never brought in the keg? What if, just hypothetically, ZBT initiation involved true physical tests? No, I’m not talking about eating cereal with gin or downing a 6 pack in 6 minutes. What if the brothers ran a marathon together? Or were forced to drink shots of wheat germ? What if, after a stressful week of midterms, we didn’t look for a mental break in a box of Franzia? Could we find another way? Could we do more yoga? Or listen to more of our favorite music? Or maybe just go for a walk?
What if Blue Moon was just a rare nocturnal occurrence? What if Captain Morgan was captain of the soccer team? What if chasers were the main attraction? Could we have a good time? Could we be vulnerable enough to still tell our best friend we love them? Could we gather the courage to ask a girl to dance? We wouldn’t vomit as much, that’s for sure. What if I didn’t have to provide a reason every time I’m asked why I don’t drink? What if I wasn’t looked at as a stiff because I’m the only sober one in the room? What if college students who choose not to drink weren’t boxed into one, non-drinker category, like they are now?
After all, alcohol is there with us all the time in college: it’s in our sweaty palms as we show our fake ID to the liquor store cashier; it burns our throat as we chug it down to impress our friends; it lightens the mood. But it’s also there when things get a little dark. Alcohol is the one school supply that isn’t sold at the bookstore. So, let’s pretend one last time that we didn’t have to get drunk to have fun. Could we?