We have some students turned celebrities at Brandeis. They’re goal-oriented and passionate people who really know what they want. Unfortunately the same is not always true for other multi-taskers, namely celebrities who venture into music. Sure, you’ve got to cover all the bases: merchandise, novelties, perfumes. The only difference is that your success in those markets depends on your ability to find talented people. Your success in music rests solely on your own talent, which you obviously don’t have since you’re famous for doing something totally different. We’ve compiled a list of some of the latest offenders that made us wonder if perhaps the music industry should start doing some background checks.
1. Kelly Osbourne
Keep your baby Kelly, it may be the only thing you have left after this debut. It’s bad enough that the only reason you’re famous is because your dad was famous. What makes you think that his “talents” passed on to you? It’s ironic she didn’t cover one of his songs, since most likely he was afraid she’d beat that to death. Check out this masterpiece, unfortunately she sang this before they perfected autotune. Instead the music’s just loud enough to almost fully cover her vocals.
2. Hayden Panettiere
Honestly I love Hayden, she’s beautiful, she’s good at making that “uh oh” face whenever she’s in danger on “Heroes”. But Hayden, maybe the reason he doesn’t buy you flowers is cause you keep squeaking singing to him. Stop. First, for some reason this is less of a song and more of just a few really long sentences put to music. Second, don’t rap, please for the love of god don’t rap. Third, what kind of message are you sending to girls by saying you need to cheat to get a man’s attention? I take back what I said before…this is actually probably why you aren’t getting flowers. Those are generally reserved for girls who stay faithful.
3. Kim Kardashian
Kim, let’s be honest. The only thing missing from this “hit single” is any kind of energy. All that money and no one could get you a Redbull? Maybe a 5-hour energy? Starbucks? I understand, it is probably pretty tiring repeating the same lyrics over, and over, and over again. It must be hard to remember all 3 words. Why did you do this Kim? I hate to bring up a sore subject but your sex tape got more stars than this song did. Take a hint..
4. Dutchess Luann
Or is it Countess Luann? I really have little interest because people don’t refer to each other by title where I’m from. I had the unfortunate experience of having this auto-tuned piece of garbage stuck in my head for almost a week. The only thing entertaining about the entire catastrophe is the outtakes video where you can hear what it sounded like before the computer sang it. Poor and far don’t rhyme Luann, actually most of the words in this song don’t rhyme. Money can buy you English lessons. And, as it seems, a lot of plastic surgery.
5. Angelina Pivarnick
Pivarnick? What the…I thought you were Italian! Recently Angelina was in the news for having her head bashed in by a pro wrestler. He probably listened to this song. For those of you who watch Jersey Shore, you can recognize this voice from a mile away. Angelina didn’t even pretend she could sing (thanks at least for that). Instead she had someone else sing (badly), and she simply spoke. The lyrics that a fourth grader wrote her for a crisp $50 bill. Should have stayed on the show Angie, maybe you could have sprung for a professional writer.