Consent is Sexy Week 2013 starts next week and it’s gotten me thinking… About consent, of course, which must be the backbone of any sexual encounter, be it between first time friends or long time partners. But more than that, I’ve been thinking about sexy. What is sexy? As much as Cosmo, Glamour, Women’s Health and the other piles of rags for women lecture me about it, sexy is still a hard concept for me to fully grasp. Not the definition of it—one thing Bowdoin has taught me, Messrs. Wood and Toscano, is how to use a dictionary! But “sexually attractive or exciting” just doesn’t quite give me what I’m looking for. Cool, dictionary, way to use a variation of the word in the definition! Luckily, other people before me have thought about this question, so… To the Internet! According to Libby Ann of the Love, Joy, Feminism blog at patheos.com, she grew up seeing “sexy” as a negative term because it connoted things that were forbidden and dirty. But, she says, she feels empowered by the word, because it means she’s feeling daring and confident in herself. Sexy makes her feel like she can take on the world. I love this definition of sexy. It’s how I tend to think of sexy for myself. But type the word “sexy” into Google and suddenly, you see a different picture (or many pictures) of what sexy means to the Google-ers of the world. Put it this way… These are two of the first images that come up:
So… the definition of this sexy is, apparently, pretending to eat chocolate cake while sitting spread eagle in a negligee and standing on a desk in heels wearing either a very short skirt or nothing, so the man sitting at the desk can look up into your lady parts. Got it… Now, as a feminist-y type young woman in 2013, I can’t say I’m surprised but I’m certainly not satisfied with sexy either meaning I have to sit in lingerie and eye-f*** a photographer while NOT eating cake (that sounds like torture, let’s be honest) or stand naked on some perv’s desk. Are you serious?? Now, I am very much interested in sex and love and romance– hello, I’ve maintained a column based on Sex and the City for multiple years– so I think there must be some definition of sexy that can somehow balance these two sides. Yes, I want to be self-confident and feel bold, but I also am interested in what men think is sexy. And for that, I turn to eHarmony.com, who did the legwork of asking a bunch of regular dudes what they found sexy in a woman. The answers will not be surprising to anyone who’s ever read one of the aforementioned women’s mags. A sexy woman, these Average Joes declare, is playful, beautiful (by this they mean dresses in a flattering way, grooms herself, and cares how men see her, although they stress that the result is likely to be low-key), mature about sex and sex-time things, likes men, is affectionate, knows how to say ‘thank you,’ is willing to bend the rules, is willing to set aside her fear, is a great kisser, and laughs at his jokes. So… Helpful? Perhaps in some ways… If this happens to be how you are naturally, then you’re in luck! Prepare yourself for men to throw themselves at you for the rest of your life! But if this isn’t your natural state- maybe you have a defined sense of style that doesn’t always leave you in waist-whittling, hip-hugging sundresses or maybe you’re more reserved with your affection or laughter- are you doomed to be un-sexy forever? Well, I will never be one to doom anyone to a life without sexiness! Mama June on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo found love! So did my grandmother and let me tell you, she never said thank you and never EVER laughed. All jokes aside, though, I see these as mere guidelines. Because it depends on what guys you want (and if you even want guys at all!). Will changing your behavior to attract a guy work? With a random guy on a random night in a random bar? Probably. And if that’s all you want, then go for it! But I tend to agree with Libby Ann. Sure, pretending to laugh at his jokes and bending rules you aren’t comfortable bending might work in the short term but in the long run? Who wants to keep up some act forever? Confidence is the greatest aphrodisiac. So just rock yourself, however you are. You do you and you’re guaranteed to find someone else who wants to do you too!
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/02/what-is-sexy.html