“Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.”- Rene Yasenek
“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender, because this kiss already has within it that surrender.”- Emil Ludwig
Ah, the passionate kiss! Two people, four lips, one explosive moment of love. A beautiful sentiment, to be sure. And maybe it was simple like that for Cinderella or Princess Grace Kelly. But in 2012 on Bowdoin College’s campus, kisses are rarely of that variety. Sure, once in a while you’ll get a kiss that looks like this:
But usually, the kisses you see on any given weekend night look more like this:
The kiss is in a sad state here on our college campus. Devoid of romance or emotion, it’s simply the rather unhygienic meeting of two people’s mouths. I mean, a lot of the kisses in the basement of Baxter or Crack look more like this
than the scene from The Notebook. Sometimes, it’s because both involved parties are drunk and overeager. Sometimes, though, you just run into someone who’s a terrible kisser. Maybe you yourself have recognized that you’re in one of these categories and you’re actively seeking treatment (kissing counseling, perhaps). There are, unfortunately, a whole number of things that can go wrong in a kiss.
There are a lot of factors involved, from tongue activity to mouth openness, dental interference to saliva. And when all of these things click, you know that you’ve found someone talented. There are some really fantastic kissers out there. Holy cow, I can think about some people who I’ve kissed who just made me melt into a puddle! The perfect kiss can clear your mind and make you forget everything else in the world. It makes your teeth ache (anyone else get that feeling? No? Just me? Okay then…)! But a bad kiss and a bad kisser…. Oh, there’s not much worse. I’ve come up with some common categories of perpetrators.
1) Dead Fish: Ugh, isn’t this the worst?? Especially if the person is cute! You just have such high hopes, they seem like they’ll be interested and then—you get dead fish person. Where they just stick their tongue into your mouth and let it lay there. Sure, sometimes you’ll get sporadic flopping, like a trout making a last break for freedom when it’s clear that its time is running out. This is especially bad when the person has been drinking something cold, so their mouth is chilly and wet, thus exacerbating the dead fish effect. Ick, I have to move on- I’m getting grossed out thinking about this.
2) Hungry Hungry Hippo: Next on the list is this lovely specimen. This is the person who just opens wide and launches a full-frontal face attack. There’s overenthusiasm, there’s chomping, and there’s some danger of injury! With this person, you get the feeling that they had their jaw wired for some significant amount of time and are now reveling in the fact that they have a full range of jaw motion. ..And that they’re really, absurdly hungry. This one can inspire some fear because if your lip gets in the way of the chomping, it might just be a make-out casualty. And god forbid this person gets a hold of your neck, because then, you might as well just invest in scarf stock. Hungry Hungry Hippo will give you a hickey so intense it’ll look like you put a vacuum cleaner on your neck. Moving on…
3) Fountain of Youth: Maybe this person just got back from studying abroad in Rome and was really inspired by the fountains. You could definitely get that idea, because this fine friend is the type with a seemingly endless amount of saliva. In a perfectly lovely kiss, there’s always going to be some liquid involved and in fact, a kiss with a mouth like a desert would be pretty unpleasant. But this person takes ‘liquid’ to a whole other level. You might feel like you’re drowning a bit and you’ll definitely need to wipe your mouth off after the session is done. This type can also get pretty enthusiastic about kissing other parts of the face, which might leave you feeling like you just had a homecoming greeting with your Labrador puppy. Members of the swimming/ diving/ water polo teams might find this whole thing appealing, as they’re used to copious amounts of water on their faces and in their mouths. Land-lubbers, though, should run away.
4) Darting Lizard: Again with the animal metaphors, I know. But I can’t think of anything else that describes this phenomenon quite so accurately. Unlike the Dead Fish, this person certainly has life left in their tongue. Unfortunately, the life tends to come in fits and starts, with the tongue darting in, out, and around like a spastic hipster dancing. If they can harness this power, Darting Lizard has potential to be a real winner in the make out department. They tend to have the enthusiasm and technique down, just not the finesse of timing, so they may be taught! Just know that in the meantime, you might get the distinct feeling like you’re a snake’s last meal.
Now, this doesn’t mean that all Bowdoin-ites fit into one of these categories. In fact, I’m sure there are some Olympic-gold-level kissers right here on campus. But you’ll probably have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. And if they’re in one of these categories, it might literally feel like you’re kissing a frog. Ew. Eventually, though, you’ll find that person whose kiss makes your knees weak. And maybe you’ll be able to identify with the old-school kissing quotes! Happy Kissing, everyone! #datemonth