Say you see a cute guy somewhere, you make eye contact and he approaches you. You start talking and next thing you know 30 minutes go by, and you discover you really have some good chemistry.
Unfortunately you have to leave so you bid adieu to your new guy and leave. By the time you reach the door you realize that he gave you his phone number but you forgot to give yours. What’s the next step? Should you text him or should you just leave it alone? Chances are you’ll ask your friends for advice and figure out what to do from there.
Now say you muster up the courage to text him first (bravo!). A million questions are probably running through your mind ranging anywhere from, “what is he thinking about me texting him first?” to “what the heck should I even say to him?!” These questions may be so intimidating that you’ll end up throwing your phone and forgetting about the whole thing. But before you do, read the following interview I had with Professor Kerry Cronin on how to not be afraid to take the initiative with guys.
1) How do you feel about girls taking the initiative and asking a guy they like out on a date?
This is a question I get all the time from young women at BC. Young women like to hide behind the traditional model of men asking women out, usually proclaiming “I really believe in that” model. And there are some very important and good things to be said about those traditional models. But, I usually respond that of course we like to believe that that is the way things should work because it lets us off the hook. We like to leave the scary things to someone else, and it’s really helpful to find a “belief” that supports that avoidance. But most young women don’t buy those traditional roles in other areas besides asking someone out. It’s not hard to figure out why…asking someone out is to put yourself out on a limb, to be vulnerable to someone else’s judgment of you, to expose yourself to rejection or looking like an idiot. These are incredibly hard things to do…but they are hard for men and for women, and it doesn’t make sense to me to leave all of the courageous acts up to men. Courage is something we all need to develop. Social courage is a basic personal skill we all need to develop, even though it’s hard to do. And asking someone on a date in this cultural climate poses some extra challenges, because it isn’t expected, the social script of it has devolved and thus it ends up seeming counter-cultural. You risk seeming “out of it” or even sort of crazy when you ask someone out. But figuring out why that is nonsensical is a job that belongs to us all.
2) What advice would you give to a girl to help boost her confidence?
Usually, I advise girls to tell only two or three supportive friends of her plan. I find that since dating is so uncommon, when you let your friends know that you’re thinking of asking someone out, everyone wants to live the experience vicariously through you. So what happens is that everyone starts chiming in with opinions that tend to freak you out. Once that happens, the plan falls apart because it feels and is too overwhelming. It starts to become too dramatic and too “big.” I find that girls respond well to two different ways of thinking about asking someone out: first, imagine that someone asks you out…even if you aren’t particularly interested in that person, it is nice to be asked. And it will feel that way to the person you’re asking. This is a good reminder that asking someone out doesn’t have to be a huge ordeal…especially if it is done in a respectful and non-dramatic way. I want to be able to ask someone out in a way that lets that person know that it’s not a marriage proposal and that they really are free to say no without it being a big problem. Second, I remind girls that this is a way to prove to yourself that you can do courageous and difficult things…and live through it!
3) What kind of date should a girl ask a guy out on? Do you think it matters?
It matters a LOT what sort of date you ask someone out on. And it depends on whom you’re asking. If you’re asking someone you don’t know very well, and in most cases, you want to ask someone on what I call a “level 1” date…this is a coffee or ice cream date, it should be a daytime date, it should ideally last 45-90 minutes, etc. This is not a date in which you seek to find out if the person is your soulmate. This is a date in which you want to get to know the person in a casual yet focused way so that you can find out if you might like to date this person. And this time should allow the person to see those sorts of things in you. A first date should only be expected to give us the basic information of “could I be interested in this person romantically?” If you just ask someone to go for coffee, as opposed to asking someone to go to dinner in the North End, it takes the pressure off of the situation. But, going for coffee off campus is a good idea, because it signals to the person that this is not an ordinary swing by the cafeteria. If you know the person really well, or have been friends with the person for a while and are trying to shift the relationship, well, that takes a whole lot more “up frontedness.” That’s a much trickier move. Its’ best in those situations to ‘fess up and let your friend know about your feelings.
4) Do you think guys think differently of girls who ask them out?
Of course. Don’t girls think guys who are willing to ask someone out are different from guys who just want to hook up? Some people will think that if you can ask someone out, you’re brave and cool, while others will think you’re crazy. Wouldn’t you rather find out right away who’s in the former group? You will find that out as you go, because courage lets you know things about yourself and about others.
5) Valentine’s Day is coming up, any advice or suggestions for girls who don’t want a date or don’t have a date?
I often joke that Valentine’s Day is a celebration of misery and pain for many people! Of course, that’s an overstatement, but for many people who aren’t dating, it can be a reminder that relationships are hard to come by in this culture dominated by the hook-up script. If you want a date for Valentines’ Day, it’s best to ask someone out BEFORE the Big Day, or jokingly ask the person for a date on any day OTHER than Feb. 14th…because asking someone for the first time on Valentine’s Day adds all sorts of unnecessary pressure. The question of girls who don’t want a date is another matter altogether. There are all kinds of reasons people might not want to date at different times in their lives, some good reasons and some not so good reasons. It’s important to figure out if you are opting out for good reasons or simply out of fear of closeness or rejection. A good friend or mentor can help you discern that. In any case, it’s important to know how to turn down a person who might ask you out in such a way that can respect the dignity and feelings of that person.
6) What is a sure-fire way for girls to increase their confidence levels with guys as well as in various aspects of their lives?
Find a good and true friend who will tell you the truth, even truths about yourself, and will support you in honesty and candor. A true friend will lead you beyond shallowness and that in and of itself helps us to be more confident.
7) Many girls feel that if they make the first move, guys will look down on them or think it’s strange. What advice can you give to girls who are under this impression?
If a guy feels that way, move on. If you’re under the impression that guys feel that way, think about how challenging this present culture is for young men to navigate.
So there you have it BC. Go out there and allow yourself to be vulnerable. In the worst case scenario, you’ll always have the knowledge that at least you were brave enough to risk getting hurt.
Photo Sources:
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