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I Survived: A Sober Night Out

Posted Nov 18 2012 - 12:00am

When you go to a school with a blackout culture drinking culture as prominent as BC’s, it’s sometimes hard to muster up the courage to go out without downing a few drinks first.  Last weekend, however, I ventured out sober on both Friday and Saturday nights.  Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.  But, while going out sober can be a harrowing experience, it can also be an enlightening one.

The drawbacks of going out sober:

1.     People assume you’re a drunk idiot anyway.
I can’t pinpoint why, but it can be incredibly frustrating when people treat you like you’re drunk when you aren’t.  This one goes out to the extremely nasty cafeteria manager in Lower who shrieked at me like an angry Chihuahua last weekend after I sincerely apologized to her for the behavior of my drunk friends.  Apparently a genuine, sober apology just gets you a lot of venom these days.  But I understand.  Overseeing the service of lukewarm mozzarella sticks to tipsy college students must be, like, a really emotionally exhausting job.

2.     No beer blanket.
Braving the cold Boston winter in a bandage skirt can create some very unpleasant first world problems if you don’t have your beer blanket to keep you warm.  Life gets even harder when you can actually feel the havoc being wreaked on your feet by your 5-inch stilettos in real time.  Suddenly the uneven asphalt paths of the Mods become the trail of tears. Why, oh why didn’t I just take a few shots at the pregame…

3.     Reality sets in.
Why is it so much fun to spend several hours dancing next to the ancient boiler in a disgusting basement with neon drawings of boobs on the walls?  Because alcohol makes it fun.  That’s why. The fact that there is a boy literally just peeing in the corner of the room just inches away is hilarious when you’re 6 shots deep, but it becomes a lot less quaint when you’re stone cold sober.  Getting your ass grabbed by some guy in printed Vineyard Vines chinos is actually not as deep a form of flattery as you once thought.

My Google search of ‘drunk people’ yielded disturbing results...


The benefits of going out sober:

1.     You have full peripheral vision!

At last, you can see your surroundings, including the oncoming T that is about to hit your friends as they cross Comm Ave!  Without the tunnel vision brought on by too many drinks, you suddenly have the ability to anticipate what's about to happen to you.  You can see that gross boy making his way across the "dance floor," anticipate that he may be just moments away from grabbing you and rubbing against your backside to the beat of S&M (Do people still play that song?  What are you guy​s listening to?  What's the cool jam?), and still have time to defend your butt.

2.     Fewer casualties!

Gone is the threat of getting vomit, alcohol or any other undesirable substance on your new top.  Tonight you will not wipe out in the middle of the sidewalk on South Street.  The bouncer will let you in and not accuse you of being too much of a mess to enter the club.  You will not think that it is a great idea to pay for everyone’s bar tab and for the taxi ride home.  You will finally come to achieve the maxim set out in your middle school away messages: ~*LiV3 LiF3 WiTh n0 ReGrEt$*~

3.     You can be productive the next day!

When you open your eyes on Saturday morning, the daylight will not make you hiss and cower under the covers.  When you and your friends enter Lower to get breakfast, everyone else will be hungover and moaning about their headaches.  But not you.  You will glide past them and eat your breakfast in peace without your eye makeup smeared all over your face.  You will not look around in total paranoia, fearful of making eye contact with the less-than-attractive man you made out with last night because you didn’t make out with any less-than-attractive men last night.  Not a single one.  Imagine the possibilities. 


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