As the Fall weather kicks in and with registration right around the corner, the seniors start to reflect on their years here at Columbia/Barnard and share their hopes for their lives after college. So here we present you with a last will and testament from our seniors who wish to leave their imparting wisdom with us before the year’s end. Today’s Senior Blog was written by Nimra Khan, a senior in CC.
So here it is: senior year!
I suppose in 188 days I am supposed to be a real adult…at least that is what they keep telling me. As I reflect on the things I have learned in the last couple of years, I think the most important lesson I have learned is to love yourself. Before you say it, just know that I realize how trite this lesson is. However, for someone like me, this is the most important lesson I could have learned. Let me tell you why.
In order to understand why this is so important, let me if you will, provide a little background about myself.
Going into my freshman year of high school, I met a boy (again, I know, what a cliché huh?). This boy and I dated from the ages of 13-20, up until the summer before my junior year of college. For 6 and a half years this boy was my everything. I never had to do anything alone because he was always there—from something so trivial as walking to the kitchen to get a snack to travelling across the country to start Georgetown, and even to transferring to Columbia after freshman year. He was with me every step of the way, if not physically, at least virtually (think text, Facetime, phone calls, etc.).
Honestly, I am still unsure of the exact reason why I broke up with him. If I had to explain it though, I would say it is because I got to a stage where I realized that I was 20 years old, but had NO idea who I was aside from being his long distance girlfriend. And honestly, that terrified me. I realized that I spent my developmental years only defining myself by my relationships with others—my boyfriend, my siblings, my parents, my friends—and seeking to make the people in those relationships happy. But throughout all that time, I never thought about what made me happy, independent of the people around me.
After we broke up in the summer, I spent the next month slowly starting to find myself. However as junior year started, I found another boy with whom I wanted to spend all my time. Additionally, I began my first semester as an RA. I found myself falling back in the trap of defining myself exclusively by my relationships, new and old alike. Fast forward a couple months: said relationship with said boy blew up and, once again, I had no idea who I was or what made me happy independent of him. As a result of the loss of one relationship, I started again, to try to find what truly made me happy.
I thought throwing myself into other relationships would fill the void of this boy. In particular, I developed some of the most important friendships I have to date with my residents at the time. I would sit down and listen to their problems for hours, truly feeling as though it was my job to solve all their problems, no matter how big or small. People would come to me, share their troubles, and I found myself slowly weighed down by having to bear the burdens of all those around me. I was left with no time to think about myself. I was left with the feeling that because I was supposed to be the bubbly, cheerful girl with the answers, I could never have problems of my own. Because I never focused on myself, I often embodied the emotions of those around me; I was constantly discontent and dissatisfied so long as those around me were unhappy. And then I had another realization: no matter how hard I try to solve everyone’s problems, not everyone is going to be happy all the time; so if I define my happiness exclusively by the happiness of those around me, I will truly never be happy.
Since the emergence of this realization, I have been working really hard on myself and finding what makes me happy.
Although the happiness of those around me will always be incredibly important to me, I finally feel like my happiness is not second to anyone else’s. This year, I’m committed to finding what makes me happy. If staying in bed and watching American Horror Story: Hotel sounds better than going to Senior Night with my friends, then I will, respectfully, do so; if going to Cannon’s and dancing on furniture sounds enticing, I will shamelessly do it; if going to JJ’s and eating mozzarella sticks sounds better than going on a run, I will do it. I will always be there for others, but, for once in my life I will be there for myself. I will do what makes me happy this year (within reason of course).
Leaving the security blanket that is Columbia is a terrifying prospect. No one knows what next year will bring. And the way I see it, is that if you don’t know what makes you love yourself and what makes you happy on your own, being out in the world is even more terrifying. So over the next few months, take the time and figure out what makes you happy and what makes you love yourself; I know that is what I will be doing. If you do, the idea of being out on your own is just slightly less scary.
N.B. The hashtag #loveyourself2k15 was taken from my residents’ groupme last year. The hashtag accompanied pictures that individuals posted in the groupme of their (not bare) butts. Shout out to Carman 10!