As a long-time feminist, it bothers me when my guy friends who claim to be “male feminists” continue to do things that objectify, degrade, or disrespect women in minor or major ways. Though these things are usually small and cannot be simply erased from the minds of socialized men—a whole separate issue—I will advocate for the scores of “male allies” to think critically about their actions, and also encourage their female friends to be suspicious of their behavior. Because for men, the horrible things that result of sexism and patriarchy have made a joke out of the lived realities of women, and identifying as a feminist has allowed them to continue to excuse their slips.
To start, don’t take the label in vain: girls will not like you any better if you say you’re a feminists to gain their attention, but continually thereafter refuse to accept the ideas of the movement itself. For this reason, there are many reasons for women to beware the male feminist. Using “feminist” as a label to gain access to more women is the worst kind of abuse of something as powerful and emotional to some women as this is. Even if I do not think women should beware of all male feminists in such a generalized way, I do think serious men should not take the label lightly. Make sure to educate yourself on the history and ideals of the many different breeds of feminism and female empowerment, and also recognize that there are infinite ways to express it. And especially do not pretend to be a feminist just to get women to like you. I’m talking to you, Tinder guys.
Calling each other names: there are degrading words to describe almost any variety of people. There is a movement to stop the R-word, and there are many examples of derogatory slurs that have been reclaimed, like “gay” and “slut.” But know that the word “bitch” still has a lot of baggage associated with it. Though there have been movements to reclaim that word as well, they are not fully embraced or understood by lots of women. The word “bitch”—especially when applied to a male—is meant to be just a lesser version of a man. A woman. It is especially different because there is no true male equivalent. We are so happy that many men have stopped using bitch as a negative descriptor of women, but some are still upset over the fact that it continues to be a gendered, pejorative term for men. Just keep that in mind the next time you call out your friend who is acting scared or “feminine.”
Listening to music: whether just listening to songs at parties or quoting lyrics to make jokes, it is no question that many songs today have degrading or blatantly objectifying verses. After the disaster that was the summer hit “Blurred Lines,” women took a stand to defend their rights in the eyes of listeners. They proved that by coating the horrible message with a catchy beat, artists can somehow get away with subtly spreading misogynist messages to an entire audience of fans. This can be seen as a metaphor for those men who use feminism as a justification for their behaviors—just because your message makes you seem more acceptable, you still have to back it up with integrity. “Blurred Lines” was not okay, and neither is subconscious, uncritical proliferation of anti-feminist ideas for the excuse of a “good song.”
Stop obsessing over mothers: seriously, I don’t know if this only happens to me, but please do not try to sexualize mothers. Yes, “your mom” jokes were big at one time. And yes, some people still might think they are funny. But recognize that one day, many of us will be mothers to sons like you. One day, we will face the reality of being made fun of or belittled in a “casual, playful” setting. As a future parent, that talk scares me. I want to respect my future children enough to know that their friends will respect me, so do not try to sexualize or degrade us for the sole purpose of stirring up emotions or making a joke. We are better than that.
Encourage, don’t dictate: even if feminism allows women to empower themselves any way they choose, saying things that somehow excuse us from traditionally feminine behavior in a man’s eyes does not really make us happy. With Alicia Key’s #nomakeup and the entire body positivity movement, women are feeling increasingly happy in their own skin—no matter what anyone thinks. Be happy for us, but do not try to convince a girl she doesn’t need makeup or heels if those things are part of what makes her happy. Today, makeup does not exclusively cater to men. In fact, it can allow people to overcome anxiety and self-fashion an identity. Don’t assume everything we do for our beauty is for men. Accept us for who we are without those things, but also recognize that each woman needs something different to make her fulfilled and confident, and it is not your place to tell us what we need or don’t need.
But most of all, talk to us: Ask about our personal experiences with feminism and why it inspires us to be better women, for all women. It might seem awkward, and some might not be ready or willing to explain fully why feminism matters so much. Privacy is still a big part of this whole situation. That being said, many of us value your support to help us achieve equality in the all sectors of life. But before you jump on the feminist train without really thinking, make sure that you acknowledge that you do not fully understand our reality. Even if you slip sometimes, try to always think critically about your actions and your behaviors. We would love to live in a world where we do not have to beware “feminist men.” Only you can help us do that.