I was 14 when I realized I wasn’t straight. I knew I was attracted to boys and girls, yet I couldn’t find a label for myself. However, bisexual just didn’t seem to fit me; I didn’t think I was “gay enough” to be bi. This only led to further questioning my identity. Yet after so much research I couldn’t find a label that matched my sexual orientation. It wasn’t until three years of questioning later that I read a post online comparing bisexuality to the color purple. No shade of purple is half blue and half red; some shades have more blue than red while others have more red than blue. That made much sense to me as it clearly explained what my attraction to men and women meant.
You may be wondering why it took me three years to realize I’m bi
Looking back, I’ve heard and believed all these assumptions about bisexuality without educating myself on sexual orientation. So when I began questioning my identity, I really didn’t have any idea what it meant to be bi and relied on the preconceived ideas I had. I also never considered how problematic they are. Not only do I wish I put more effort into understanding bisexuality, but I think we need to reevaluate these misconceptions. Because they invalidate the existence of bisexuality and promote harmful ideas. Because they blinded me from what bisexuality really is, blinded me from realizing I’m bi.
1. Bisexuality is a phase. We eventually end up gay or straight.
It’s not like we’re choosing sides or anything. Attraction happens naturally; sexuality isn’t a choice. Besides, sexuality isn’t black and white; it’s more of a spectrum. I do acknowledge that it was a phase for some people, but you can’t use their experiences to dismiss the entire bisexual community. Because if we never “grew out of it”, then it was never a phase. It’s our identity.
To say that it’s a phrase is to say that bisexuality is not a valid identity. Nothing hurts more than the denial of our existence.
2. Bisexuality is 50/50. We’re equally attracted to men and women.
This one really screwed me up when uncovering my sexual orientation. I wasn’t convinced that I was bi because I didn’t like girls just as much as I like guys. Remember the purple analogy I mentioned earlier? That really opened my eyes as to how everyone experiences attraction differently. No shade of purple is the same.
There is also the assumption that bisexuality is inclusive to the binary. Meaning that bisexuals are attracted to only males and females. Sure some bisexuals are only attracted to cisgender men and women however one can be attracted to more genders. Although I have been referring to bisexuality as the attraction towards men and women, the definition of bisexuality should include the non-binary as well.
3. We must have experience with both genders to qualify as bisexual
When a straight person reveals that they never had a partner, no one is quick to question their heterosexuality. Because one’s experiences, or lack of, doesn’t make them any less or more straight; they’re still attracted to the opposite sex. Yet it’s a different story for bisexuals.
It’s unfair to us to have others define our sexuality based on our own experiences and their standards.
Regardless of what anyone says, I know my identity is valid. My feelings are valid. These ideas may come out of ignorance or spite but they are still rooted in society’s minds. I think it’s important to unlearn and stop reinforcing them. They’re not just offensive, they’re harmful. We no longer want to be defined by these stereotypes.