It’s happened to all of us. You’re at a party with your girlfriends or drinking at the bar and an unwarranted and unsolicited guy comes and parks it right next to you. You make it clear from the beginning that you’re not interested, but this guy just won’t take a hint. Here are ten foolproof ways to send that creep running for the hills.
1. Lie about your relationship status.
This is the simplest answer: just tell the guy you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. If he continues to pester you after you make it clear that you’re taken, maybe gush a bit about your fake guy or gal. Feel free to embellish. Talk about nothing besides your imaginary dream date and pretty soon he’ll wish you both the best and take his business elsewhere.
2. Mention how cute your potential children will be.
Personally one of my favorite excuses, it’s important to really commit to this one. Maybe tell him what names you like the best (James for a boy, Charlotte for a girl) and make note of how you’ve always wanted your kids to have ____ eyes and ____ hair.
3. List off the names of your seven cats.
To boys, almost nothing is more terrifying than a crazy cat lady, even though cats are the greatest and possibly your soulmate. Nevertheless, start listing off the names of all of your cats, naming at least five or more. If he’s alright with Mittens, Fluffy, Boots, Binky, Mr. Whiskers and Charlemagne, then maybe you need to give this guy a second chance.
4. Pretend to call your dad, and then say that he wants to have a quick word.
What’s scarier than a crazy cat lady? Dads. Particularly yours. Pull your phone out of your bag and pretend to answer a call from your dear old dad, and then hand off the phone to him, claiming that your dad wants to talk to him for a second. Props if you can get one of your guy friends to pose as your fake dad on the line.
5. Ask him if he’s been tested.
Alright, this guy’s unbreakable. Ask him how recently he’s been tested, and when he answers make sure to lecture him on the importance of staying safe. Be careful with this one, because it’s easy for him to get the wrong idea, so it would help if you carried around brochures from your local health clinic in your bag.
6. Invite him to your sister’s wedding.
Nothing says commitment like going to a wedding together. Invite him to come home with you to meet your extremely conservative parents at your sister’s huge family wedding. Tell him you can’t wait to introduce him to Aunt Margaret and Grandma Jean and then maybe pinch his cheek for good measure. He won’t be coming back anytime soon.
7. Ask him for his mom’s phone number.
If he still doesn’t let up, it’s time to up the ante. Ask him point blank if you can have his mother’s phone number. When he asks why, make up an insane reason for your insane request, such as you’d like to see some of his baby pictures (extra points if you can tie this back in to how cute your kids would be).
8. Tell him you’re allergic to his cologne and then sneeze on him.
This guy just won’t quit. At this point make a point to make a few exaggerated sniffles. When he asks what’s wrong, say you must be allergic to his cologne and then sneeze all over him. Try this a few times and then make your escape when he leaves in search of tissues.
9. Take a tomato out of your purse and eat it like an apple.
It’s time to get weird. Take a whole tomato out of your purse and take a big bite out of it like you would if you were eating an apple. If you don’t like tomatoes, this also works with cucumbers and green peppers.
10. Convince him you’re a ghost.
This one requires a bit of prep. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and don a long white dress. It also helps to apply some white face paint and white hair chalk. Then rub some ice cubes all over your hands and arms to get that ghostly chill. When you come out of the bathroom, tell him that your time is up and you have to be getting home. This is where one of your friends would take over, asking who he was talking to all night. When he says your name, this is the cue for them to gasp and say “_____? Why she’s been dead for thirty years!” Needless to say, he’ll be sufficiently spooked and won’t be bothering you any longer.
Good luck out there, collegiettes.