It’s Monday morning, your MCM has been MIA since the blurry incident at Gallette’s Friday.You have decided to punish yourself for your weekend antics and weekend calories with the gym. You’re tired, your norts feel tighter than usual and you would rather be getting a donut from Babe’s than walking towards the track. However you weren’t blessed with a fast metabolism and you certainly weren’t blessed with a fast text back from your current crush, so you’re hoping a few laps will help you get your mind off of the deafening silence from him.
But as you make your least favorite type of walk of shame, the one climbing the stairs up towards the cardio machines, you nearly run right into the back of the two girls in front of you. And by two girls, I really mean the two human megaphones that happened to be clad in Lulu and forgotten what an inside voice was.
1. Socialites
Go to the gym to run, not run your mouth.
When I run into my friends at the gym, I definitely stop and say hey. When I make eye contact with someone I know at the gym, I’ll give them a wave and maybe exchange something along the lines of ‘this sucks’. Even sometimes when I see that boy who ruined my life and my sheets at the gym, I offer a polite smile. I’m not saying be socially awkward, I’m just saying take social cues. You really don’t need to practically yodel your friends’ name across the gym when you see them. You really don’t need to work the room like you’re there to run for president and not to run off dining dollar funded buffalo chicken dip. Cardio is annoying, but traffic jams made by gossiping people who don’t have volume control are more annoying.
2. The Ones Who Don’t Stay In Their Lane
So you moved past the Socialite portion of the obstacle course with the two girls stationed on the stairwell and dodging that busybody from your old sorority who you saw drifting from elliptical to elliptical, working the room like it’s rush.
You’ve made it onto the track and now you just have to make it through a few painful miles. You don’t stretch nearly long enough, you put on your workout playlist and start your run. You get into the groove after a few laps and just when you’re halfway done with your run and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel – you have to slam on brakes. The person in front of you has decided they wanted to leisurely stroll around the track, not paying attention to the stampede of running people barreling towards them nor the giant sign that says WALKERS STAY OUT OF RUNNING LANE.
I’ve come to the conclusion there is a correlation between not knowing how to read and individuals who walk at a comically slow speed. Read the sign. READ IT. You are walking slow enough, reading should not be difficult. When you walk in the wrong lane, you are not only appearing illiterate but you’re also causing entire clumps of people to perform a synchronized group effort to not trip into each other.
3. The Weirdo Who Can’t Stop Staring
After shaking off the irritation caused by the shuffling human speed bump, you finish your run and make your way to the ab mats. As you plop down with a medicine ball and not much patience left, you notice the guy surveying you and every other girl in the ab mat region. I’m going to take a quick glance at my lack of abs and make the reasonable assumption you’re not staring to ask about my diet and exercise regime. You glare at the staring stranger but the worst offenders sometimes don’t even have shame to look away.
After some thorough research, I realize this person at the gym is one that lacks the animalistic instinct that staring without blinking for long periods of time is both rude and unsettling.
4. Always That One Person Talking On Their Phone
Finally, after entirely too much eye contact, the person’s staring has shifted to the girl in the way tighter Lulus. But mid-crunch and mid-Gimme More chorus, you’re distracted. The woman next to you is squawking into her phone and impressively overpowering the powerhouse of pop music, Ms. Spears.
I don’t know why people that carry on loud, lengthy and a one-sided conversation everyone is eavesdropping on drive me crazy. It could be jealousy that some people have the ability to both hold a conversation and plank at the same time whereas I can barely wheeze much less chit-chat after a few crunches. And I get it, pre-workout makes me chatty too.
But talking on the phone while working out is what will push me to the edge. At the arrival of this rare and rude form of a gym member, I have had it. I scoop up my things and leave minus the abs but also minus a headache.
Anyways, next time you go to the rec try to avoid these people like you avoid carbs.
Header Photo Via Unsplash