By Rachel Chiu
The groundswell of prominent figures accused of sexual assault has been staggering, and the number of career downfalls we’ve witnessed ever since has outpaced anyone’s initial expectations. Accountability has finally reached Hollywood and D.C.’s doorsteps, reminding even the most insulated among us that they are not above the law.
Our society is finally recognizing that workplace and industry hazards are not simply bothersome, but intolerable. Victims are stepping up and speaking out because they finally believe their voices can ignite change. An almost celebratory culture has arisen in which many have praised the individuals who have come forth, and it feels as though we are finally making up for decades, and even centuries, of lost time.
Amid a sea of angry and condemnatory responses to these news stories, however, some are finding it more difficult to express sheer outrage without nuance. In the face of newer allegations targeting esteemed political and entertainment figures, many have begun to express a different sentiment that might feel out of place.
We’re sad. We’re disappointed, we’re shocked and we’re grieving lost heroes. We feel betrayed. People we used to look up to have been exposed, and we’re left now trying to reconcile our long-held ideas of them with new truths that have finally come to light.
Sarah Silverman gave voice to this internal war when she publicly addressed allegations against Louis C.K., one of her “best friends of over 25 years.” “I love Louis,” said Silverman. “But Louis did these things. Both of those statements are true, so I just keep asking myself, ‘Can you love someone who did bad things? Can you still love them?’”
Silverman, like many of us, believes powerfully that there is no room to negotiate when it comes to sexual misconduct and its effects. Her response reflects a greater reality that many have attempted to ignore until now—that immediate outrage is hard, because our own emotional ties and ideologies make it difficult to see every situation as black-and-white. That doing something that’s the right thing doesn’t always feel great. That with consequences comes grief and loss, for more than just that one person, and that it’s okay to be sad. “I hope it’s O.K. if I am at once very angry for the women he wronged and the culture that enabled it. And also sad, because he’s my friend,” stated Silverman.
Though it’s easier to view every individual as entirely good or entirely bad, our understanding of human nature tells us that this is rarely the case. Silverman shows us that it’s okay to have an internal struggle, and even express that struggle publicly while still holding tightly to our values and ideals. We feel bad about being sad or surprised, when in reality we all hope for the best in people we love and respect. It’s not wrong to be disappointed. It’s not wrong to feel let down.
To be clear, there is no excuse for sexual assault. As a society, we shouldn’t be letting things slide depending on the person or whether we align with their beliefs—but we should be accepting of internal conflict as people are forced to process new information. As many begin to recognize that these perpetrators are their heroes, their friends, their coworkers and their relatives, they should feel free to express their turmoil and anguish while trusting that society can make space for emotions outside of pure anger. We can’t afford to reject these human responses to hard problems. There must be a space for candid discussion so that they can express their hurts and reconcile the tensions within them.
Tomorrow’s newest perpetrator could be anyone, and we must be prepared to reckon with the fallout regardless of who it is. The rubber meets the road when it becomes hard, or even heartbreaking, to impose our unflinching standards on those we admire. Picking and choosing our targets deteriorates our moral credibility, and leaves us powerless when it comes to holding others accountable for their actions. In order to see real change, we must be uncompromising in our beliefs and grit our teeth through the growing pains.
When we commit to weeding out a wrong, we commit to weeding out all of it—even if and especially when it affects our lives. There is no gray area for sexual assault. We can’t let even the little things slide, because those are what blossom into the irreparable problems we’re witnessing now. Any person who is guilty of sexual assault needs to pay the consequences, so that we as a society can show that we say what we mean, and we mean what we say. Though sometimes it may feel that we’re trapped in a tunnel that only appears to get longer and darker, it’s important for us to push through to the light at the end. A new day will dawn, but only if we reaffirm our values and stand by them when they challenge us.
Our current state following recent events has brought us to a crucial inflection point, and it’s time for many of us to decide what we believe and what we’re committed to changing in order to continue moving forward. We’re witnessing a fracturing in our society that starts with this unifying sadness but has the potential to end with a huge change in mindsets, values and expectations. So long as we stick it out, we will be better for it.