“It was a big weekend, we were travelling to a different city and I had agreed to stay in a hotel room with a sorority sister and two of our guy friends. We had been drinking and things got a little carried away. Our two roommates left me and the guy alone, one thing led to another and I did not really know how to get out of the situation. We had hooked up once last year so I know he assumed it was okay, I didn’t say no but I did feel uncomfortable and really just wanted out. I went with it because I didn’t know what to do, now I just see that whole weekend as a mistake.” – Anonymous
This is one college girl’s true story. A story that may sound familiar to a few too many girls. A story that could have been avoided had both parties fully understood the meaning of “consent”. Ben Privot, a recent Gender and Women Studies graduate from Washington, DC, had a vision to start a project that raises awareness, spreads information to college campuses across the country about what it means to be in a consensual relationship, and equips students to recognize and verbalize consent. Featured on MTV’s Act Blog, Privot and his project are working hard to take sex education beyond “throwing a condom on a banana” by thoroughly exploring the idea of consent in sexual and intimate relationships.
Let’s take a step back and take a look at what this means.
Understanding Consent
“Consent is when both people, in a coherent state of mind, clearly state their willingness to participate in a sexual encounter,” is how Laura, a UNC-Chapel Hill senior, interprets it. Simply defined, consent is being completely aware of what you and your partner are comfortable with. According to Privot, “When you’re with someone, consent is the ultimate sexual expression. Consent is exploring, discovering, and enjoying romantic harmony through the use of verbal communication!” Communicating with your partner exactly what you like, as well as when and where you like it will give you both the best experience possible. Get your mind out of the gutter—we aren’t just talking about sex. We are talking about everything from cuddling and kissing to going all the way. Understanding what consensual relationships look like is important because beyond just helping you to feel comfortable, any activity that is not consensual is against the law, with consequences that can last long after your hook-up.Privot says engaging in consensual relations “will make your intimacy more erotic.” “It also matters because the absence of consent can be dangerous in a lot of ways. So consent makes our romance safer, too,” says Privot.
Recognizing Consent
Consent is all about putting your boundaries and desires into words. Take some time now in a coherent state of mind to think about what you are comfortable with doing. Being confident in what you want to do will make it much easier to voice your limits when you’re in the heat of the moment. Knowing your limits and wants will make you feel much more comfortable asking your partner, “so, what are you into?” Privot suggests this sexy question because it is a hot way to get to know your partner, as well as getting to know what they are and are not okay with. The only way to know for certain if a sexual encounter is consensual is if you tell your partner what you feel comfortable doing and vice versa. If you both agree you are into the same stuff, it’s consensual! Questions such as, “do you want to take things further?”, “is this okay?” and “do you want to stop?” are all simple and short ways to be confident in your interactions.
Stopping an Uncomfortable Situation
If you know your limits, you will be able to know when you feel like you need to slow things down or stop them entirely. So what do you do if you begin to feel uncomfortable? “I would be straightforward and say ‘this makes me uncomfortable.’ Being honest and clear is the best way to stop someone from pressuring you further,” says Ohio State student Rebekah Meiser. Alana Peden, University of Texas junior says to “be vocal and active. If being vocal doesn’t get a serious response, get up and physically move away.” While being blunt and honest is a clear way of telling your partner what you are okay with, it is not always the easiest. If you start to feel pressured, tell your partner you enjoy doing what you have done so far but you are not ready to take things to the next level, or excuse yourself to go to the restroom and let things cool down for a little. Being firm and honest might create a moment of awkwardness but it will prevent a much longer period of emotional discomfort or regret.
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Creating the Consensual Project
Privot came up with the idea for the project after spending a great deal of time exploring consent in college. He spoke with just about everyone in his life, from hook-ups to friends and even began to study it outside of class with a professor. “Consent gave me tools to express myself and find ways of discovering what the person I was with wanted, too. So it was helping me have, in so few words, a really really good time. But, learning about consent also made my sex life safer, more accountable, and more trusting. It was just an all around win-win. Eventually, I just needed to share everything I had been learning,” says Privot. The Consensual Project partners with universities from all over the country as well as organizations such as Men Can Stop Rape to equip students with a modern day understanding of consent, beyond just the simple saying of “no means no” we are taught in class.
When Ben Privot and the Consensual Project visit a college campus, the workshop is a combination of humor, education, and participation. Through engaging the students, encouraging them to set boundaries, and helping them realize the endless benefits of consent (and even passing out sex toys!), The Consensual Project workshop provides crucial information relevant to all college students. Privot and his team help students think of ways to say no as well as ways to express what they are comfortable doing through dialogue such as the one that takes place in this video:
Bringing the Consensual Project to your campus
To bring Privot and his team to your campus, all you have to do is visit the “Bring Consent” section of his website, and the rest is easy! The Consensual Project knows that the students on campus are the only ones capable of shaking things up and raising awareness, so all the materials and information needed to hold your own workshop are available online.
“If a relationship isn’t consensual, a situation can lead to anything from rape to emotional conflict. Consent is important because no one should feel pressured to do something they don’t want to or take part in something when they aren’t aware enough to make that decision,” says Rebekah.Whether it is verbalizing what you want out of a sexual relationship or merely sneaking in the cheesy but cute, line of “Are you attached to your Chapstick, or can I kiss it off?” before you plant one on your partner, establishing consent is vital to a healthy and happy relationship.
Sources
Ben Privot, creator of The Consensual Project
The Consensual Project
Like the Consensual Project on Facebook!
Rebekah Mesier, Ohio State University ‘11
Alana Peden, University of Texas ‘12
Laura, UNC- Chapel Hill ‘11