We all need a little guidance now and then, so whether you’re stressed about a fling gone wrong or a recently wrecked relationship or you’re wondering how to handle a stage-five clinger, Real Live College Guy Dale is here to help you navigate the college dating scene.
I have one really close guy friend in college who lives in my building. We have been friends since first semester and are still really close. During the first semester, we had a few random drunken hook-ups because it’s clear we’re both attracted to each other, but nothing else ever happened, and we would just go on with being friends.
This semester, things have changed a little bit. One night, he and I were just hanging out in his room. He was drinking a little bit and he confessed to me that he liked me. We talked about it and decided that we both like each other, but neither of us was ready for a relationship.
However, the more we hang out and the more we talk, the stronger my feelings become. I told him at first that I didn’t want a relationship, which was true, but now I can see myself dating him. I want to bring it up to him, but I’m afraid he’ll shut me down and I’ll lose him altogether. Should I bring it up and have the possibility of being disappointed, or should I ignore my feelings and always wonder? How should I bring it up if I decide to do so? We hang out a lot, so I have plenty of opportunities, but I always get to nervous or scared to ask. –Wanting a Relationship at Ramapo
That’s always a weird feeling, Ramapo: knowing the opportunity is there but being too nervous to take it. I understand — I’ve been there before.
I’ve always thought that inebriated confessions were more truthful than forced confessions, simply because those mental barriers are down. The problem with drunken confessions is that they are, more often than not, forgotten by morning. So when he’s had a few and he tells you that he likes you, I think that was honest.
Then you drop the “I’m not ready for a relationship” line on him, and because he doesn’t want to push you into anything, he agrees. His feelings, more likely than not, are still there — the problem is that you basically shut him down, so he didn’t want to push you into anything
First, I think you need to examine why you said you weren’t ready for a relationship in the first place. Did you just say that because he was inebriated, or did you actually feel that way? Are these feelings false-positives manifesting from guilt? Make sure you’re not reconsidering the situation because you feel bad for rejecting him—and by all means, if the feelings are real, then I support the decision to get together.
But how do you tackle that conversation? It’s easier than it might seem: the next time you’re hanging out, bring it up! Lines like, “Hey, you know when we talked about…” or “Remember that night…” would be good, casual ways to start the conversation. Be prepared with answers, though. He might ask why you changed your mind and whether or not you really feel the way you do. His hesitation, which I imagine will exist, is understandable. That said, if you feel as strongly as you say you do, then it shouldn’t be an issue.
Take it from someone who’s been there: The last thing you want to do is not do anything and always wonder about what could have been. Rejection can be terrible, but it’s something you can get over. Not doing anything will stay with you and keep you from moving forward; you’ll always think back to what might have happened. Say something and be honest, and hopefully the two of you can move forward together.