Once upon a time, a movie titled Blue is the Warmest Color made its way onto the big screen and managed to piss off a lot of lesbians who claimed that the sex pictured in the movie was too much and not even close to being an accurate representation of what lesbian sex is actually like. A lot of people, including some of us, are a little confused when it comes to two women having sexual intercourse. Luckily, we were able to ask a few collegiettes a few questions about lesbian sex and we got some pretty surprising answers.
1. Do you and your partner(s) ever define gender roles when it comes to how you have sex?
In a way, this question is actually pretty offensive because it can serve to reinforce gender stereotypes. According to Ashley, […], there aren’t always defined gender roles in her relationships, it usually just depends on the relationship.
“In a lot of lesbian relationships, there are women who are more ‘butch’ and women who are more ‘femme,’” she says. “The same thing kind of applies to gay males (‘tops’ and ‘bottoms’). The partner who identifies as butch tends to be looked at as the person who takes on the more masculine role and, most of the time, I’m the more masculine one. I’m usually the more dominant person, but I can be versatile.”
Every relationship is different. It’s also important to note that a lesbian relationship cannot be compared to that of a heterosexual couple because not even all heterosexual couples follow that type of structure. It’s a touchy question to ask, so just be careful with your delivery.
Related: 5 Things You Should Never Say to Your Gay Best Friend
2. What exactly is considered to be lesbian sex?
Okay, so this one can also be pretty offensive for some of the same reasons. There’s some sort of a stereotype surrounding lesbian sex that makes people believe two things: 1. that lesbian sex isn’t real sex and 2. that main way that lesbians can please each other is through oral sex. But, according to Alexa, a recent graduate of the University of Georgia, this actually isn’t true.
“Because of the way it’s portrayed in the media, there are way too many people that think having sex with another woman only consists of oral and that’s so wrong,” she says. “I took a human sexuality class my senior year and it’s actually been proven that the most common form of stimulation in relationships is manual.”
But, again, it all still depends on the preferences of the women involved. “What is considered sex is defined by the two women committing the act, but it’s really no different from straight sex, aside from anatomy,” Ashley says. “Sex to a lesbian can mean oral, penetration (use of fingers or dildos), vaginal contact or any kinks. How two people have sex is their creation and personal business regardless of their sexuality.”
3. Do you think that the media provides us with an accurate representation of what it’s like to have sex or be involved with someone of another gender?
Whether we’ve seen it on shows like The L Word or more recent shows like Netflix’s Sense 8, we’ve all come across lesbian sex on film and television at some point. The problem is that, sometimes, the media has a way of not representing lesbians and their relationships in a very accurate way.
“Growing up, I’m realizing more and more that lesbians and homosexual relationships are a part of my everyday life,” says Brittany, a senior at the University of Georgia. “I just think it’s important for me and others to understand sex and get a more accurate depiction of it on film.”
One key to understanding this is not to believe everything that you see on television.
“The media usually perpetuates lesbian stereotypes,” Ashley says. “Society has a way of hypersexualizing lesbian women, mostly femme women. Oftentimes, lesbian sex on television and in film is portrayed in a way that will appeal to male viewers. On shows like The L Word, the women are portrayed as overly promiscuous, confused or in unstable relationships. It’s just not always relatable.”
This can kind of go back to the question about gender roles. Sometimes lesbians are portrayed in non-realistic ways, which makes it a little more difficult for some of them to be taken seriously at times.
“I always see it as an issue of femme visibility,” says Alexa. “The media likes to make it seem as if there’s only one type of lesbian, the butch lesbian. That kind of makes it hard for femmes to meet other lesbians.”
4. Is it usually easier for you and your partner to be more open with each other and not be ashamed of your bodies since you have the same anatomy?
It’s easy to think that, because a woman becomes involved with another woman, her insecurities just seem to disappear because she won’t fear that her partner’s expectations would be as high as a guy’s. But, when thinking of it that way, there are a few things to keep in mind.
“In my experience, being more comfortable with my partner is sometimes difficult because either one or both of us have huge insecurities,” says Ashley. “Just like in any other relationship, each person wants to feel beautiful, handsome, and/or sexy to their partner. Being self-conscious doesn’t diminish in lesbian relationships.”
It’s also important to note that assuming that just because a person identifies as a woman doesn’t mean that they do in fact have the same anatomy as another woman. “If I date a trans woman who identifies as a lesbian, her body may or may not be slightly different from mine, and that’s an important thing to think about too,” she says. “But the range of comfortability and openness would still be unknown.”
5. Do you think it’s true that it’s easier for a woman to please another woman because she has a better idea of what she likes?
This happens to be a common misconception but, not surprisingly, it’s not necessarily something you should believe.
“It all comes down to the fact that all women’s bodies are different,” Ashley says. “The idea that a woman knows another woman’s body better than a man creates an unrealistic expectation for women who decide to experiment with other women. Lesbian and bisexual women can be unexperienced sexually or unsure of how to please their partner(s).”
Basically, don’t just assume that if you hook up with a girl you’d have a better shot at pleasing her because you both have the same organs. Again, all women’s bodies are different and it doesn’t make sense to think that women automatically know what other women like, just because they’re a part of the same sex and/or gender category.
The moral of the story here: don’t be afraid to ask questions and don’t base your knowledge of queer and lesbian sex off of what you see in the media. The key to understanding lesbian sex is realizing that everyone’s sex life is personal and that it is what you make it.