Picking up where we left off at the end of last season, the Pretty Little Liars are on a mission to #SaveHanna, but not before they bury someone’s body in the woods.
Here are the facts you need to know from the PLL season premiere.
Season seven begins with a bizarre mid-burial argument. Spencer, Emily and Aria find this awkward setting the perfect place to have an inappropriate conversation about what qualifies as murder.
Turns out this is merely a flash forward we probably won’t know anything about for weeks (or maybe even seasons).
In the present, Caleb is losing his damn mind over Hanna. He’s yelling. A. Lot. And I can’t even with his attitude toward Spencer.
Church bells ring, and in a jiffy, the group runs to investigate. What they find looks a lot like Hanna’s dead body. What it actually is…is up for debate. I think we were meant to believe it was some kind of weird life-size doll with a Hanna mask over its tiny face. I think.
Once they discover that Hanna is indeed still savable, the Liars plus BFs past and present plus Mona sit down for a brainstorming session that feels like it lasts forever. They have 24 hours to hand over Charlotte’s killer and this is how they’re spending their time?
They all decide Ali is most likely the culprit, and they split into snooping teams—Mona and Caleb, Spoby, Ezria and a solo Emily.
In the meantime, Hanna’s captors send a totally candid pic of her—to prove she’s alive and in her tight white tank and underwear, I guess.
Emily starts spilling all the group’s theories and secrets to Dr. Rollins, who if she hasn’t figured it out yet (Ha, of course she hasn’t!) is the BAD GUY.
Spoby bonds by speaking to each other in a variety of sexy foreign languages, and I’m dying for them to launch into a full makeout sesh.
Then, you’ve got Ezria holding hands in Ali’s closet while they spy on Rollins. Not as cute but still v. cute.
Super late in the night—so late, in fact, that it is now completely dark outside—Mary Drake visits Spencer at her house in an attempt to intimidate her or something. But Spence is having none of it and intimidates Mary right back.
Aria is all caught up in what’s going on with her and Ezra, and I don’t care because I just want to #SaveHanna!
The Liars try to figure out who the guy with the accent is that Mary keeps chatting with on the phone, but alas they don’t know about Dr. Rollins’ secret accent and probably never will.
Then, Emily sneaks into Ali’s room and reminisces about Emison. She finds an incriminating clothing item in an even more incriminating cardboard box marked Goodwill and is suddenly convinced Alison is a murderer.
Spencer visits Hanna in what I can only assume is a vision of some sort to give her pointers on how to escape. Because everyone is useless without Spencer’s guidance.
As Caleb rushes to turn the evidence against Alison over to Uber A, Hanna escapes…only to be stopped by that bitch Mary Drake.
The episode ends with Rollins threatening to keep Alison locked up for the rest of her life, and I am left feeling unfulfilled AF.