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Different Types of Doomed Crushes

The Has-Unforgivably-Weird-Parents Crush
I am not a believer in the idea that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” I hope to never have someone hold my parents against me, so I try not to do that to others. That being said, there are limits.

I have dated the Has-Unforgivably-Weird-Parents Crush. It is bad news. There are definitely levels of weird parents… His father will spend an hour talking about Black Holes and you will have no idea how to respond. His mother will pick up your soda without asking and drink from it, and will then pretend like it was not a transgression of personal space. His father will pressure you into going to mass, even if you are not very religious. His mom will put you into an uncomfortable position in which you have to explain that veal isn’t part of a vegetarian diet. His father will play the satellite radio “Margaritaville” station for the better part of a six-hour car trip. These are aggravating, but in the larger crush spectrum, not a very big deal.

Then there are the leveled-up versions of weird parents. His mother will tell you to dye your hair black and say that you look so “healthy” with a tan, when really these factors make you look more like their own race. His father will ask if you got your beauty from your mother, then hit on your mother when he meets her… in front of his own wife. His mother will ask you if you have ever considered getting a boob job, because her son has always been “into girls with more voluptuous figures.” His father will do a poor job of hiding his affair. His mother will ask you if you have any cocaine, because you obviously do cocaine, right? His mother will make a point to give you a small gift imprinted with a Bible verse whenever she sees you. His father will make remarks about your list of college choices, and will say that “you’re so pretty you don’t need to be educated anyways.” His mother will cry to you about almost everything, because you are her therapist, apparently.

Yes, these terrible things happen, and no, it is not fair to judge people based on the families that they were born into. However, sometimes, there is too much baggage crowding any possible future with someone. Bending over backwards and seeking the approval of your crush's parents is only natural, but bending your morals for that same approval is wrong. There is a line. This crush is doomed.

The Hollywood-Hunk Crush

The Hollywood-Hunk Crush is as inevitable as it is disappointing, and the problem is not the person. This is a crush that develops in everyone but is always shameful. The shameful part of the Hollywood-Hunk Crush is that owning up to this attraction is sad, partly because the Hollywood-Hunk Crush is often on a character or a romanticized public persona, and not actually on tangible, real life traits.

Way back in 2001, a movie called Sugar and Spice perfectly illustrated the sadness associated with the Hollywood-Hunk Crush. Supporting character and stalker cheerleader Cleo Miller has an unreasonable and irrational crush on Conan O’Brien. Though this may seem like an unlikely individual to provoke all-out lust, Cleo has Conan’s face sewn into her underwear, and has obvious intentions of one day sleeping with Conan. Again, the fact that it’s Conan is the only aspect of Cleo’s crush that seems suspect, but the methodology of this crush is not unusual. It’s a sickness, as there is no chance of this crush being realized. (By the way, Sugar and Spice references are few and far between, though I stand my ground in calling it one of the most underrated movies of our generation.)

Personally, I do not deny that it is sad that I once watched a six-minute clip of Alexander Skarsgard upwards of 25 times. That’s at least 150 minutes of watching the same video, not including YouTube ads. Wasted life. Sorry, humanity. This crush is doomed.

The Same-Sex Crush

Getting a little weird here. This cannot possibly be a phenomena that happens exclusively to me… I blame my birth control for messing with my hormones and making me shift from my natural straightness and develop a girl crush. It’s never on a close friend, but there is sometimes a girl that for some reason I become weirdly attracted to. I have no intentions of realizing this bizarre crush, but it is definitely a “thing.”

She’s hot, for a girl. She smells nice, for a girl. She’s super cool, for a girl. But at the end of the day, she’s not, after all, a guy. There’s nothing like the identity-torque a Same-Sex Crush can provide. It’s weird and jarring, but I guess it can keep the Guy-Game interesting?

This type of crush is forgotten as quickly as it is actualized and is pretty harmless overall. Regardless, this crush is doomed.

The Out-of-Your-League Crush

My mom once told me that confidence is what makes a man. To a certain extent, I agree. I think it has the power to push a man who is a 7 to a solid 9. It’s a beautiful thing to feel physically comfortable with someone with that preternatural individual swag. But what about the 9 or 10 who has this same brand of confidence? Unless your name starts with an “A” and ends with a “-driana Lima” is this really a good guy to get into?

This beautiful man that also happens to be chock-full of confidence is the target of so much lady-attention that he is hyper-aware of his hotness. That whole bit about “women are probably too intimidated to approach him” is most definitely a lie. This man has the luxury to choose whomever he wants. His confident hotness and the endless attention from women creates a feedback loop.

These guys have been put on a pedestal, and it’s our own fault. The relationship with this guy is a series of credits and debits, and this guy keeps track of everything you do in order to make sure he’s spending his time with the most “indebted” girl possible instead of the most “right” girl possible.

You will end up putting in more than you get out. Is it worth it to stand next to the sexiest man you’ve ever seen if he constantly reminds you how lucky you are to be with him? I don’t mean to say that women should in any way “date down” to someone who is not as physically attractive or confident – I just firmly believe in crushing on a guy who thinks you are as awesome as he is! The Out-of-Your-League crush is doomed.

The But-He’s-Ugly Crush

In complete opposition to the Out-Of-Your-League man, the But-He’s-Ugly man is not an attractive guy. If you are a 7 or 8, he may be a 4 or 5. You can do so much better, physically speaking. He’s a decent guy, but he can never provide that sexual edge that makes the sparks fly. However, you ignore this completely. To start.

This guy compensates for his lack of attractiveness by giving too much. He is great in the courtship phase; he takes you to places you like, and tries wholeheartedly to wow you. This nice phase lasts for a while, but then you wake up! He is ugly. You are not! What are you doing with this guy who you are now embarrassed to stand next to in public? Shame-spiral ensues. This crush comes to a sudden and jarring end.

There’s some kind of refractory period after dating someone ugly. After dating this guy, you will not date someone ugly for a long time - maybe never again. Is it a blessing or a curse?! Either way, this crush is doomed.

The Guy-With-Girlfriend Crush

This has happened to me. Sitting at the uber-trendy Plunge Rooftop Bar atop the Gansevoort Hotel, my dream man walks in. He is 6’5”, witty, handsome, well-spoken, PhD’ed, and interested in wine. What’s better is that he approaches me. We talk for about an hour just the two of us, and I have basically envisioned what our wedding invitations are going to look like. My first name goes very, very well with “Hackler.” Dr. and Mrs. Hackler. Swoon.

SCREECHING HALT. I say “pardon” pretending not to have heard what he just said. He repeats himself, “Yeah, my fiancée and I have been to Marina Abramovic’s installations before. She’s brilliant.” Yeah, she is brilliant, but I start to cry inside.

We have all had this crush. Guys who have girlfriends, or even more untouchable, fiancées, should be forced to sew a patch onto their clothing. Shake this boy off. Immediately. His girlfriend is probably an actress or model or humanitarian or something beautiful, and that’s great for him.

Fight the urge to wish that she is killed on her way home from Whole Foods, and shake, shake, shake this infatuation. This crush is doomed.

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