An Open Letter to My Suicidal Thoughts

Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts 

Hello Stranger,

It's been a while since I thought of you, but today I came across a picture that stopped me in my tracks and demanded I give you my attention. It's a picture of me at 17, smiling up at the camera at my junior prom. I'll admit that it's a good picture. I look beautiful and my date looks handsome, but there is something off about it; my smile doesn't reach my eyes. Instead of shining happiness in them, I only see you in the depths of my blue eyes, slowly trying to pull me in.

I know you thought that it was what was best for me and, as much as I hate to admit it, for a while I thought you were right. I would hear you whisper in my ear at night that things didn't have to be this way, that it could all be over so easily if I just listened to you. The pills that I had been taking for a cheap high made me feel lonely in high school and the best friend I found in bulimia during my freshman year of college seemed to only prove your point—that I wasn't and would never be enough.

I'm happy to say that one year later I have proved you wrong. I stopped listening to you and started listening to the world around me. I heard my friends and strangers call me beautiful and for the first time in my life, I let myself believe them. I replaced the toothbrush that I would regularly shove down my throat with leafy greens and exercise. I let myself laugh because I wanted to laugh and love, because I wanted to love. I let myself be who I truly was and not what I thought others wanted me to be.

I blocked out all the people that almost led me to you. Sometimes they still try to call me back and I'm tempted for a moment, thinking that maybe this time it would be different and perhaps it would be, but I'm not willing to take the risk. I've seen what can happen when people truly let you in; the anguish their families and friends go through. I thank God every day that I never let you convince me to join you. If I had, I wouldn't be in college, I would never have met all of the wonderful people in my life and I wouldn't be on the path to making my dreams a reality.

I wish I could say that I wish you the best but I don't. You've hurt too many people in this world for me to ever wish that. For the people that are currently being seduced by you, like I was not that long ago, I hope they can find their way out of the darkness because this world is far too beautiful to leave. There's so much love and hope in this world despite all of the bad that seems to overwhelm it.

To anyone who reads this just remember that life truly is beautiful. Love truly is beautiful. You truly are beautiful. It's just a matter of accepting it.

All my love,

The Girl Who Wants To Live