Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you, they just imagine you naked? Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed! Well, usually – he is a college guy.
My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but we’ve both acknowledged that the sex isn’t good. I would love to be with him long term, but I’m worried that bad sex is going to bring an end to our relationship. Sexual compatibility is important to me, but if the sex is not the best, I can deal with it – but how important is sex for guys in a relationship?
– Vanilla Sex at Vancouver
I’m getting a lot of sex questions these days – it must be these steamy summer months cooking up some sex stew on the stoves of passion. Or maybe my life’s fear has already come true, and I’m starting to look more and more like Dr. Ruth.
Sexual compatibility, or just “compatibility” if we don’t want to be redundant about it, is very important to guys. Some guys like getting wifed up, which I believe means something like having sex once every sixth months and renting some kids to discipline. But lots of guys are less interested in deep, soulful connections than they are in sex, unless that Deep Soulful Connection comes with a well-lubed hole.
I’m, of course, not trying to tell you to put out or get tossed – you should be just as demanding of good sex as he is. Don’t settle for anything that doesn’t set your legs a-quivering, your eyes a-rolling and your neighbors a-filing noise complaints.
So, if’n you want to stay in your current relationship, you should fix your sex problem. But how? Well, since I am, have ever been and will ever be a thoroughbred in the sack (ladieeeees), I don’t really know.
But one of my alter egos does! Ladies and the one gentleman who reads my column for the vaguely masked pornography, put your hands together for guest columnist Real Live College Guy Dr. Jruth! (my imagined love child with Dr. Ruth – obviously, I just came up with him on the spot, as I did his flaxen hair, the faint birthmark on his left calf, the Sunday afternoons playing catch in the sunlit backyard of my and Ruthie’s house…):
Hey, everybody, great to be here. People always say that to spice up your sex life, try new positions. I personally think that’s crap. You’ve probably done all the positions worth doing: missionary, cowgirl, leg-under double loop, duct tape, etc. Everything else is just uncomfortable, prone to chafing and not worth the effort. The real key to great sex is the work you put in beforehand, and I’m not talking about foreplay, setting the mood in the bedroom or making sure that all your stuffed animals are looking away. I’m talking at least five hours before insertion – I’m sorry, that was indelicate. I mean five hours before the boner circus.
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You’ve got to make him want you. All of this, of course, goes for him as well (See, one guy who’s still reading? It’s worth it after all. I promise I’ll get to the erotica soon). He’s got the pistons, he’s the horsepower: he could be pumping all night. But it seems you’ve reached a point where sex isn’t exciting. So make it exciting. Go on a date to a dark, romantic restaurant. Wear the getup you know he finds sexiest – sans underwear if logistically feasible. Play footsies. Rub pant legs. Make sure he drinks enough wine but not too much. When you leave the restaurant, be giggly, say you could go out on the town, but you’d rather stay in. If eruption isn’t reached by this point, I’d search for someone with a better sex drive. The morgue would be a good place to start.
Basically, make sex special again. Of course, you could take the complete opposite tactic from what I just described and spring it on him. If you’re hanging out and he goes to the bathroom or something, be naked when he comes back. Or if you’re in the middle of doing something mundane, grab his shirt and pull him onto the first semi-smooth surface you can find. Either way, the principle is the same: make it a fun thing, something he’d rather do than troll the internet reading advice columns for tit references. All you need is one great boner circus. After that, he will want it, and you will, too (every second he’s not watching Game of Thrones). So kiss your nicely untousled hair and nicely unbroken bed frame goodbye. Jruth out.
Thanks, son! Oh yeah, that’s another great thing about sex: children! (Seriously, use protection. I just ended my imaginary relationship with Dr. Ruth, and she is charging me fake-money alimony out the a**).
Sources
http://courtneyjane.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/sex_starved_wife_0201.jpg