Two months, one week and three days. That’s exactly how long we were––well, whatever we were. But it doesn’t mean I cried any less when he told me he didn’t think we would work. A label may determine what the world sees, but it doesn’t affect what you already see and feel, what you hope for.
The relationship (and I use that term loosely) may not have lasted very long, but the connection was real and I deserve time to get over it. In fact, I’m still getting over it, and that’s okay too.
After starting my career in a new (and lonely) city, I pretty much accepted the idea that I would be single forever. Melodramatic, I know, but with an intense schedule and constant need to feel productive, I didn’t think the stars would ever align. I accepted that I was a “career woman,” and my 20s would be spent climbing the ranks and having wine nights with my girlfriends.
Then I met him.
He was charming, whip-smart, worldly, chivalrous and had the perfect amount of scruff. On our first date, I said something along the likes of “I could drown in your eyes,” and I’m still embarrassed about it TBH. He made me swoon and I didn’t resist it. I’m the first to admit that I fell hard and fast.
Related: 5 Ways to Let Go of a Relationship That Ended Before it Started
One date turned into seeing each other nearly every night, and right when I thought we were going to become “official,” he told me we had to end. He mentioned moving for a promotion, but I didn’t think it was anything we couldn’t make work. He would only be a few hours away and we could see each other on weekends, so I thought. But he didn’t want to make it work and that’s what hurts the most––the idea that I wasn’t worth the effort. This “situationship” triggered many unhealthy thoughts. I buried negative feelings about my worth and ability to be loved where I thought they couldn’t find me, and this person walked away and turned the lights on in my darkest place.
It’s okay to want to share your life with someone and let your walls down to let them in. It’s also okay for them (and you) to walk away because love is a choice. And it’s perfectly okay to cry about it, to mourn the loss of what you thought would be. What’s not okay is talking down to yourself or feeling like you’re not worth a relationship because one person doesn’t want one with you. You are worth it, and I am too.