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To get to the point, the guy I was with at the end of the school year is home for the summer (so am I) and is potentially talking to his ex again (based on some obvious clues), which is hurtful and frustrating to say the least. I assure you I am a really nice person, and, ironically, HE was extremely nice to me and told me how much he liked me when we were together. Why would he go through all the trouble to be so sweet and charming, to take me out on dates, and to meet his family, if he clearly had some unresolved feelings for his ex (she ended it)? I feel used and hurt, and I don’t know how to handle this. Did I do something wrong? Do I say something to him, or wait for him to come around? — Urgent at Utah State
Urgent,
Stop being urgent. Calm down, please. He’s “potentially” talking to his ex, and this is based on “clues.” You don’t know he’s interacting with his ex, and even if he is, “talking” can just mean talking. He can talk to her. That’s allowed.
I really don’t think he was leading you on, although he may have committed a sin of omission. He’s probably a great guy who really does like you. It sounds as if you haven’t dated for very long. You aren’t calling him your “boyfriend,” you’re calling him “guy I was seeing at the end of the school year.” Your relationship sounds vaguely defined, indicating a lack of clear communication. The two of you might not even be on the same page – it could be that he doesn’t feel tied to you and assumes (since it doesn’t seem like you’ve really discussed it) that you feel the same way. I worry that you’ve made out the relationship to be more than he thinks it is. I don’t think he should have taken you to meet his family. For some, introducing the family is no big deal, but for many it has the connotations of a serious relationship. In that one respect, he might have led you on.
The other stuff, being charming and taking you out, doesn’t really signify anything more besides the casual dating of two mutually attracted people. You’re assuming that you’re a rebound he’s just using to raise his self-esteem, but he might genuinely like you despite having lingering feelings for his ex. That is completely normal. Maybe he just likes things to get serious quickly, which is something you’re unused to in guys. Unless you have agreed to be exclusive over the summer, he’s really not committed to fully disclose everything about his life to you. On second thought, even if you are exclusive right now, your snooping sounds irrational and unfair to him. As I said earlier, he and his ex might just be being friendly, which is something you should be able to admire. I can’t tell how much you are assuming about what’s going on, but you are definitely being quick to judge.
You should not ask about whether he is talking to his ex. He’ll wonder how you are making these guesses, and he might be turned off if he thinks you’re prying into his private life. You possibly should, since you genuinely like him, discuss with him if he wants to be exclusive, or at least how he sees your relationship proceeding when you return to school in the fall. Solidly define the relationship. If he doesn’t want to be exclusive this summer, then take that or leave it, depending on what you want. Ask no more questions and respect his privacy. If he does seem willing to be exclusive, then ask him what his relationship with his exes is like. Keep it that vague so that he doesn’t know that you’re monitoring his life. Figure out what is going on in your own relationship before trying to figure out what’s going on in his other relationships.