Real Live College Guy Joel: How to Fix a Dry Spell with Your Boyfriend

Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male? Real Live College Guy Joel (replete with a name way cooler than those of RLCGs Joe and Joey) is here to help you out, call you out, write you a poem to show you’re great and to stop worrying, etc. From major emotional drama to the minutiae of social interaction, use him as your one-stop shop for guy advice.

My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in over a month. He's in law school and is really stressed, but I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. How can I talk to him about this? - Dry Spell at Duke

Dry Spell,

Well he definitely won’t be turned on if you just sobbingly straight up ask him if he isn’t attracted to you anymore, so don’t do that. This could be indicative of a larger compatibility problem, or it could just be a bump in the road. I can’t tell from your question how he has been behaving towards you overall. He might really just be stressed, and you haven’t seen much of each other lately since you’re not in law school. I think what you need to do, since sex is important, is to temporarily make it more of a priority in your relationship.

What I mean by that is cut out the other stuff. Usually I would say go on a romantic date while looking attractive, etc., but things sound too hectic for that. If this is a situation where you go out on a rushed date then he drops you at home while he finishes work, then stop going on dates. On a given night, tell him that he can do work until midnight, but then you’re coming over. Make yourself look, ummm, exciting. Experiment with something new sexually (just please don’t ask me to give detailed suggestions).

Until things clear up for him, act like you’re in an extended hook-up relationship, with sleepovers being the primary activity. Try to compartmentalize time for sex while also keeping its spontaneity. Let him know you’re coming over, but try to surprise him with something new each time. This would minimize the stress of being a busy grad student in a committed relationship, by only doing the deed that relieves stress. If none of this works, then ask him, when you’re not actually in bed, what the issue is. For now, though, I think changing your actions is the best method of fixing the issue.

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