Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male? Real Live College Guy Joel (replete with a name way cooler than those of RLCGs Joe and Joey) is here to help you out, call you out, write you a poem to show you’re great and to stop worrying, etc. From major emotional drama to the minutiae of social interaction, use him as your one-stop shop for guy advice.
My ex-boyfriend and I, who were together for almost two years, still hang out with each other. The thing is that when we hang out we still act like we are together. We still kiss and hold hands and still say “I love you” to each other. I had asked him about two weeks ago if we would get back together and he said no because he wants to date other girls. To me it seems like he still has feelings for me. I don’t want to lose him which is why I still keep in contact with him. Do you think he just doesn’t want to own up to the feelings he still has for me or is he just using me? -Hardly an Ex at Hartford
Hardly an Ex,
You clearly have deep feelings for someone you were involved with for a long time, but you need to realize you can’t live like this. Nothing good comes of relationship purgatory. You’re going to need to confront your ex to attempt to resolve the uncertainty.
The big wild card for me, which you do not address, is whether or not you’re hooking up. What you do discuss is all the couple-like things you do together. You know, the stuff that makes single guys like me roll our eyes so much they almost fall out. That sort of stuff indicates a high level of abiding commitment, yet your ex claims he wants to date other girls. If you’re still hooking up, he’s become a commitment-phobe and you definitely need to extract yourself from the situation, even if he has residual feelings for you. If you’re not hooking up, and just doing all these lovey dovey things without the involvement of sex, then the situation is a bit more complicated. I would say he feels, as all guys do, this pressure to survey the field, girl-wise, before his youth is lost. At the same time, he has deep feelings for you, and he’s uncertain how to reconcile these conflicting impulses.
These opposing feelings are something many guys experience. However, his seeming inability to deal with this displays immaturity. He can’t have it both ways; it hurts you too much. You need to sit him down and say you can’t do this anymore. Say that you don’t have to Define the Relationship, but you want exclusivity if you’re going to still act like a couple. If he agrees to be with you and only you, then great. If he doesn’t, he’s dead wood in your life and you need to cut him out. Cease all contact with him, no matter how painful it is. Hang out with your other friends and meet other guys. You need to consider yourself and show some respect for your own feelings. Don’t let yourself get jerked around by a guy’s confusion, no matter how you feel about him.