Tired of having to sort out the “nice guys” from the “bad boys”? Want to move up from one-night stand to full-time girlfriend, but unsure of how to do so? Stop worrying, because Real Live College Guy Dale is finally here to help with all of your collegiette love kerfuffles and help steer you clear of any unnecessary drama during your brief but ever-important time in college.
This past year, I studied a J-term (just the month of January) abroad. A few months before my trip I met this guy–we’ll call him “H”–at a Halloween party. We hit it off right away, but with my trip approaching sooner and sooner, it wasn’t moving fast enough for me and I wanted either a commitment or to end it before I went abroad. So, we ended it.
Fast-forward to May 2013, and I just found out he applied for the same job I got hired for. Now we work together, and I still have feelings for him. I tried to ignore him in the beginning, but that just made it awkward and I started engaging in conversations with him instead of giving him short answers or simply avoiding his presence at all cost.
In a couple days, we started acting almost like friends. However, I can’t read him sometimes, and I wonder if he thinks I am flirting with him and he doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. I wish I didn’t like him still, but having to see him at work almost every day makes it almost impossible to forget about him and my unresolved feelings. However, I don’t think I could trust him again in a relationship, in which he was selfish during the short time we were hooking up/dating. So, I guess I’m wondering how to get over him or see if he still likes me… while keeping in mind that neither of us are quitting our new jobs any time soon. – Too Close for Comfort at Colgate
Too Close,
Let’s look at the time frame you’ve given me: you two met at the end of October and your trip abroad was in January. Between Halloween and the New Year, there were maybe two months for you two to really develop a relationship. How quickly do you expect things to move in two months? It seems to me that you got your resolution when you decided things weren’t moving fast enough and gave the guy an ultimatum: commitment or an end.
You got the end.
While it isn’t exactly your fault that you two work together, you can’t blame the guy for simply existing in the same space as you when you were the one that put the deal that ended things on the table.
Now I wouldn’t advise ignoring him completely, but you two are in college and it’s time to start building mature relationships. Before you make any rash decisions, talk to your co-worker/former fling and try to find out exactly where the two of you stand. If––and only if––that doesn’t work and being around him begins to impact your ability to do your job, you might want to discuss the situation with your superior. Perhaps you could ask for a schedule change so you won’t have to work around him. In this scenario, no one has to quit and no one has to be bombarded by past emotions. However, bringing your boss into the situation should be a last resort––and even then, you might be told to simply “deal with it.”
The way I see it, you’ve got two options: One, take your ex to lunch and talk to him about things. Find out where you’re both at, and see if you do in fact want to give things another shot in this on-again, off-again relationship (this time with no interruption from a trip abroad). But be wary about doing so, as you yourself even said that he was selfish and oftentimes unreadable during your previous attempt at a relationship. If things just don’t pan out, at least now you’ve got closure. Two, you could ask your manager for a schedule change and see if not seeing him as much changes your current mindset––if it does, problem solved.