The semester is winding down, but this isn’t just any semester—it’s your final semester. You and your boyfriend bought your caps and gowns, and you’re ready to graduate! The problem is, you’ll be grabbing your diplomas and walking off stage in totally different directions—you’re moving to different cities. Here’s a guide on how to know if you should stay together, what to expect once you part, and how to make it work.
Should you stay together?
The first thing to note is that there is no time requirement. You don’t need to have been in a relationship for the entirety of your college years to justify staying together once you graduate!
Katie*, a 2010 graduate of Boston University, said she and her boyfriend hadn’t been together that long when they chose to make their relationship work after graduation. “We had started dating the summer before senior year, so we hadn’t been dating for years and years like some couples,” Katie says. “But we didn’t really think about breaking up.”
The second factor is being confident enough in your relationship to know that you can handle some temporary time in different places to pursue your ambitions. Katie’s boyfriend stayed in Boston to go to med school after graduation, while Katie followed her career in the media to New York City.
“I think the whole idea was to proceed with our lives knowing we’d just be in other cities, and understanding we’d both be busy with our new lives (mine in New York and his in med school),” Katie says. “If it became too difficult, we’d address it then.”
The third—and potentially most important—consideration is how seriously you both take your relationship. Long distance relationships take a lot of work, so it’s important to know that you’re both in it for the long haul, with a finish line in mind (a finish line where you’re both living in the same place again!).
Hannah Rex from Boston University says that she and her boyfriend intend to stay together after graduation. “As of now, we haven’t really talked too much about the specifics, but my future is very flexible while his is more set in stone,” Hannah says. “That’s where communication comes in. It’s inevitable that things will change within the next year, so it seems silly to make a set plan for something that’s a year away. But if we keep talking about the ‘finish line’ as the year goes along, I think both of us will be much more prepared and on the same page when we get there.”
Katie could feel the difference in this relationship, which is what made her confident to stay with her guy after graduation. “He wasn’t really like any of my past boyfriends, which felt like a fling or temporary,” Katie says. “I took our relationship seriously, and I think we both thought about each other as long-term partners who just needed to be in different places for a while in order to pursue our futures.”
Julie Tran from UMass Amherst says that choosing to maintain her relationship post-graduation was simple. “We both cared about each other a lot, so it was easy deciding to stay together. We just weren’t ready to end our relationship.”
If your relationship with your boyfriend passes these important tests, then it’s likely that the two of you are planning to stay together after graduation despite moving to different cities—so you should probably prepare yourself.
The signs that your relationship will (or won’t) work
Hannah says that she and her boyfriend only started seeing each other last winter, but they know they want to stay together after graduation. “We always knew there would be the inevitable problem of distance,” Hannah says.
This past summer, Hannah was in Boston while her boyfriend was in LA, then she studied abroad in Paris in the fall. “He really wants to make things work next year, and I realized that if we could make it through all that then it would be dumb not to at least try staying together after graduation, because we had already made it through so much harder stuff.”
If you’ve been somewhere away from your boyfriend since you started dating and you were able to get through the time apart, that’s a big indicator that you’ll be able to handle the distance post-graduation!
“We’ve done it before, and we’re both committed,” Hannah says. “I think going through the long distance stuff before, especially abroad distance, has made our relationship stronger and we know we can trust each other.”
Trust and communication are two of the biggest factors of any relationship—Hannah says that if you stop making time to talk, that’s a big warning sign. “If you stop communicating well, then that’s just a recipe for disaster,” Hannah says. “It shows total disregard for a relationship when someone makes no effort to communicate.”
Julie agrees. “If you find yourself not really missing your significant other, I would call that a red flag,” Julie says. “If calling or text them becomes more of a chore, that’s a sign that it’s not working.”
What you should expect
Long distance can be rough regardless of the situation—for instance, when you left for your first year at college, you probably missed your family and your friends at home, and that may have made your first few weeks away at school hard until you adjusted to the transition. Moving away from your boyfriend after college will be kind of like that.
Katie found some emotions typical after moving away from her boyfriend. “[Common emotions include] loneliness or desire for companionship when you remember what it would be like if you two were in the same city, frustration when you can’t see them immediately, and doubt at times if you’re doing the right thing,” Katie says.
“It’s mostly not being able to see and kind of live with each other day to day,” Katie says. “I miss the random Wednesday night dinner dates we used to have!”
Hannah agrees that not being able to be in the same room is rough. “Although you can talk as much as you’d like, physical stuff is important, too, even if it’s something as small as holding hands,” Hannah says.
Katie also mentioned that temptation can be a pretty common emotional response to this situation, though she’s rarely felt it herself. “I won’t say I’ve never felt this,” Katie says, “but my boyfriend and I have immense trust in each other and are very secure in our relationship. Breaking that would never be worth a casual hook-up.”
“There are also insecurities that come from LDRs,” says Julie. Some girls in long distance relationships find themselves worrying that their boyfriends don’t miss them as much, or that they’ll find a girl to replace them while they’re gone. It’s important not to let these feelings overwhelm you! If you can’t stop worrying, that could be a sign that the relationship isn’t the right choice for you.
Finally, one of the big issues some girls face after choosing to stay with their boyfriend post-grad is a twinge of jealousy as they watch their single friends go out with all kinds of different guys, and anxiety that maybe you’re not living your life to the fullest.
“I’ve seen my friends go on dates after dates, and while at times I’ve questioned if I’m not living up to what I perhaps ‘should’ be doing in my 20s, which is dating around, dating different and several men, I know they are looking for what I have,” Katie says. “And when they do find that relationship like mine, yes, I am jealous that they’ve found what I have IN the city they live in!”
Not every emotion you experience as part of a long distance relationship will be bad, though! “The best part is having that extra freedom to discover yourself as an individual,” Julie says. “Also, reunions with your significant other are always special!”
How to make it work
Communicate (and often!)
Although you may not be able to wake up next to each other every morning, there are ways to maintain the intimacy of your relationship despite the physical distance between the two of you! First and foremost, it’s important to know the emotions you can expect to struggle with, as outlined above, so that you can be prepared when loneliness or frustration hits and know how to handle it.
Then, of course, technology comes in! While ages ago long distance was a nearly impossible hurdle to get over in a long-term relationship, now your boyfriend is only a text, phone call, or Skype session away.
“Communication is key!” says Julie. “We talked or texted every day once we were apart.”
“Even if you are crazy busy, a quick message or text can go a long way,” Hannah says. “We became pros at finding times to talk or just let each other know how we’re doing, despite time difference past times that we were apart.”
Katie and her boyfriend make sure to stay in consistent contact throughout their week to keep feeling close to one another. “We talk every day, usually on my walk to or from work and then usually before bed,” Katie says.
It’s important to get into a routine so that you have something to look forward to throughout your day. Whether it’s a good morning text, a lunch break phone call, or a before-bed Skype session, knowing that you’ll get a chance to connect with him throughout your daily life will motivate you to maintain your relationship!
Schedule visits
Beyond making up for not actually being able to see one another, you should make time to actually see one another! Depending on how far away from one another you are, this could be kind of difficult. MegaBus, BoltBus, Amtrak, and long car-rides will become much more bearable as you travel back and forth from wherever he’s located, and vice-versa!
“A bus ride makes this type of long-distance relationship workable,” Katie says. “We try to visit each other at least once a month. In my relationship, if we were across the country, this might not have worked after graduation because we weren’t in a position to financially make it work often enough, but I would say it doesn’t hurt to try if you think it is the best thing for your relationship.”
You can go the extra step and set up a Google Calendar, enabling it so that you and he are both able to edit it to add your academic, professional, or social commitments. This makes it even easier to figure out when you’re both free so that you are able to schedule visits!
Hannah and her boyfriend have made preparations to visit each other once they part. “We plan on seeing each other a few times, either in Boston, New York, or maybe somewhere in the middle like Chicago,” Hannah says.
Work together to plan trips to one another so that you don’t go crazy! If you have a trip to look forward to where you know you’ll be able to physically be next to him, you’ll be much more optimistic in your daily interactions rather than dwelling on how much you miss him.
As long as you’re both a hundred percent invested in your relationship, and are both interested in staying together for the long-term, the big thing is to remember how happy your relationship makes you, and how invested you are in what you have.
“The best part of it is having someone who is equally committed and dedicated to this relationship despite the long distance and obstacles we may face,” Katie says. “I think you need to know yourself, and understand that you need to know how to make yourself happy before you can commit to someone else, whether it is a long-distance relationship, or a regular same-city relationship. I think trust and security come together from two people who are happy individually, but know they are happier together.”
*Name has been changed