How to Get Over Your Ex the RIGHT Way

Heartbreak is brutal. Following a breakup, time seems to move slowly and all you can think about is how much you miss your boyfriend-turned-ex. It’s easy to dwell on the past, but eventually you have to move on. Although people deal with breakups differently, there are some tried-and-true ways to get over him. We spoke to Laura Bradley, therapist and clinical director of Steadfast Counselling, and collegiettes about healthy ways to move on.

Be Honest About Your Feelings

Although it’s good to distract yourself to keep from dwelling on the relationship, it’s important to realize when you’re trying to suppress your feelings. By pretending that you’re feeling fine when you’re not, you’re only prolonging the heartache and slowing down the healing process, as Stephanie Taylor, a graduate of Oklahoma State University, learned.­

“I tried to pretend I was okay and wear a smile for people when I was really a mess,” Stephanie says. “Being around him on campus was so hard, so I just pretended [I was happy]. I went to parties and acted as if he never mattered.”

It wasn’t until a year later that she finally realized she wasn’t okay and decided to face the truth.

“I knew I hadn't gotten over it because it still hurt and I hadn't given myself the time I needed to move on,” she says. “So I started getting honest about how I felt. I let myself cry. I just got real and did what I needed to do for myself to get better.”

Rebuild Neglected Relationships

Looking back on your relationship, you may have been so head-over-heels in love that you didn’t realize how much you took your family and friends for granted. Now that the relationship is over, why not use your free time to reconnect with people you might have lost touch with? That’s what Allie Sutherland, a junior at Syracuse University, did after her last breakup.

“I'm actually seven months into single life after a three-year relationship ended, and it’s allowed me to reflect and realize how much I was prioritizing my role as a girlfriend over the [other] roles in my life,” Allie says. "Now that I could focus on being a better friend, sister, and daughter, I've made my relationships with my friends and family so much stronger, and I feel like a much more well-rounded person… I'm much more appreciative and thankful for my support system that has always been there for me.”

If you worry that your friends might reject you after you’ve neglected them in favor of spending more time with your then-boyfriend, don’t, Bradley says. “Even if you haven’t seen your friends as often as you used to, they’ll be there,” she says.

Start by genuinely apologizing to your friends and admitting that you regret the lack of time spent with them. Let them know that you value their friendship, and not just because you’re lonely now. Offer to take them out for lunch or coffee as a way to make amends and catch up.

Reconnecting with people who you were close to before the relationship started will not only remind you that there are people in your life besides your ex, but they’ll also be there to comfort you through the breakup.

Don’t Be Afraid to Talk it Out

Talking about your heartache will help you heal. Now that you’ve reconnected with your girlfriends, let it all out. Tell them everything you’re feeling––anger, sadness, confusion––and don’t be afraid to cry! They’ll not only lend you their shoulders, they’ll also help you look back on the relationship with clearer eyes. They can be sympathetic, but also blunt if they need to be.

“My best friend told me all the ways [my ex] was so wrong for me and how he was so immature and by showing all his flaws,” says Shira Kipnees, a rising junior at Franklin & Marshall College. “I could see that he clearly wasn't right for me and that I could do better and move on.”

However, there is a limit to letting out your emotions. It’s important to vent your feelings to your friends, but make sure that after you’ve let them out, you pick yourself up and move on. After some time has passed, if you’re still dwelling on the past and making no effort to move on, don’t be surprised if your friends start to get less sympathetic. “After a week or so of being upset, everyone told me to just move on and get over it, which was another wake-up call for me,” says Shira. Your friends will want what’s best for you, which is for you to be able to move past the breakup, after all.

Breakups take time to get over, so if you still need to express yourself but don’t want to annoy your friends any longer, make a new friend––a journal. You’ll be surprised at how writing down your emotions can feel just as good as venting to a friend.

Cut off all Contact With Your Ex

Even if you want to be friends with your ex in the future, the initial days and weeks after the breakup will be full of so much emotion that you’re better off avoiding a conversation with him if you can. Talking to your ex can bring up sad, angry, or nostalgic feelings and make it harder for you to move on; sometimes, it can just make you feel worse. Shira learned this the hard way.

“The guy I dated before my current boyfriend broke up with me on our three-month anniversary via Facebook chat, and at first I took it really hard,” she says. He later contacted her through Facebook chat to apologize for breaking up with her via Facebook chat! “It was that that made me decide to move on,” she says. “I took him off my newsfeed and made myself offline on chat so I never had to hear from him again.”

Out of sight, out of mind checklist:

  1. Delete him from your Facebook (and Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc.) friend list, or change your settings to stop getting his activity on your newsfeed.
  2. Take his phone number out of your contacts.
  3. Delete any photos you have together or painful reminders of the relationship (including old emails or texts).
  4. Throw or store away any things of his you may still have. Don’t be tempted to return them in person. If you must, get a third party to do it for you!