"What, What, What Are You Doing?" Love Lessons From Sassy Gay Friend

JT brought sexy back, and Her Campus is bringing sassy backSassy Gay Friend, that is.

For those of you who don’t know, Sassy Gay Friend is an actor best known for his YouTube videos, in which he saves the females in antiquated literature from an otherwise terrible fate. Before the cringe-worthy MiO ad-placement, SGF had a few witty-but-wise words to say on dysfunctional relationships, especially in his parodies of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Othello, and Hamlet. Shakespeare himself probably never would have made our top 10 go-tos for love advice on a list including Cosmo, Seventeen, and HC (which would obviously be #1). But when Sassy Gay Friend steps in and adds his own flair to Shakespeare’s tragedies, SGF is transformed into our modern day love-advice hero, making us realize that as old as these characters might be, they have problems that are pretty similar to our own.

If you’ve ever watched these videos and thought to yourself, “Man, I wish I had a sassy gay friend,” then I’m sending some serious solidarity your way. However, I will say this: you don’t need a sassy gay friend (as awesome as that would be) or even a man on a white horse (#cinderellacomplex) to pull you out of dire situations with your guy. You only need what our very own SGF armed himself with: the mighty sword of common sense.

So here it is: the breakdown of our three tragic female characters, their modern-day college counterparts, and SGF’s advice on how to deal.

1. Collegiette Juliets

Problem A: Life in the Fast Lane

What a lot of people don’t realize is that Romeo and Juliet’s romance lasted from a Sunday to a Thursday evening—that would be a whole not-even-a-week. Newsflash: it did not end well.

Collegiette Juliets, if you were at a traffic light party right now, I would strongly suggest wearing yellow: slow down! Not only are you and your boy always together, but you’ve also done that Photoshop thing where you mesh your faces to create what will probably be a really scary-looking baby. (It doesn’t matter how attractive you are, those babies never end up looking right.) You’ve reached Edward-Bella status, and it’s only two weeks in. You’ll probably say, “I love you” halfway into week three. What does SGF have to say?

“Slow down, crazy. Slow down.”

Whether you’ve heard it in a magazine or from your anxious mom, the truth is that any good relationship is slow building. You don’t want to jump right into whatever comes your way, and frankly, you should be wary if your guy is over-eager as well. It’s not just because it makes you look desperate—after all, if you’re really in love, who really cares what other people think, right?—it’s because it takes time to get to know a person and to figure out their faults (and see if you can overcome them together). Think about the time it took for you to call your best friend your “best friend.” It’s the same thing with a relationship. So relax, have fun, and don’t rush it.

Problem B: Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.

Romeo killed Tybalt, who was Juliet’s cousin, and yet, Juliet stayed by his side.

Um, red flag, anyone? While I doubt your guy has done anything that extreme, the idea is that he causes just as much (if not more) turmoil as joy, and you have consistently let it slide. SGF’s response?

“Save it Patty Hearst, I’m not buying any Stockholm syndrome today.”

A little criminal + medical history recap—I know it’s summer, so I’ll make this quick: Patty Hearst was an American newspaper heiress and actress who was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA) and actually ended up fighting alongside her captors. She’s considered to be the prime example of Stockholm’s syndrome, a psychological disorder in which the victim has positive feelings—like empathy—toward the captor.

No, I’m not saying that you have a psychological disorder (and neither is SGF). But after three collegiette years of watching my friends excuse their guys’ troubling behavior (and ignoring some inexcusable behavior myself), I believe we all have a little bit of Patty in us. So whether you’re convinced your guy acts the way he does because of a previous traumatic relationship, parental drama, or a concussion that put him out of the playing field and on to the bench for life, do not, I repeat, do not make excuses for him. There’s no need to undermine his problems—but the fact of the matter is that we all have issues, and we all have to figure out how to deal with them in a way that doesn’t cause a domino effect of even more issues (a.k.a. making everyone else’s life a living nightmare – see Pretty Little Liars.)

If you decide to work through his issues with him, just make sure you let him know that his behavior bothers you. That way, you won’t create a pile-up of problems that you could have addressed from the get-go.