When a guy likes us, we, most of the time, like him back. We’re happy that he is happy to talk to us and thinks we’re cute. Sometimes, though, the unfortunate scenario happens when we’re just not that into him. It could be for reasons of personality, wanting to keep someone on a “just friends” status, or maybe you’re just not into his Ed Hardy shirt (boys, there is a time and… wait, no there’s not).
Whatever the reason, we collegiettes™ need to know how to carefully and graciously handle the situation. With a little help from relationship expert Dan Lier of ASK Dan & Mike, here are some suggestions for what to do and what not to do in a few (sometimes all too familiar) scenarios when you’re just not that into him.
You met him at a bar
In your time as a bar or club-goer, you probably can’t count on both hands how many guys you had no interest in asked for your number at a bar or asked “to go out sometime.” Here’s how to let him down without having to feel like an a**hole for drinking that drink he just bought you.
What to do
There’s no point in wasting any time here – there are plenty of other options for him in the rest of the bar. If he has already asked you out or asked for your number, tell him thanks, but no thanks. A smile and a, “No, I’m sorry,” usually does the trick. He’ll hopefully get the hint (if he hasn’t already) with an easy, “It was nice to meet you,” as you head in a different direction.
What not to do
Don’t keep chatting or scoring drinks off him if you’d rather not give him your number. Also, don’t lie and say you have a boyfriend if you don’t – especially if you plan on chit-chatting or dancing with the next guy.
Lier also tells us not to give him anything more than casual eye contact. “Don’t casually touch him – guys interpret that as you want more,” he says.
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You’ve gone out on a few dates
He was cute the first time you met, but now his quirky mannerisms just annoy you – and it’s only halfway through date number three.
What to do
Telling him as soon as possible is vital in this situation. You don’t want to waste any more of his, or your, time. If you know you’re not interested after two or more get-togethers, let him know. Of course, it may take a while to know if you have any serious interest in him, but if you know you’re not into the possibility of a relationship with this guy after the first few dates, speak up.
When you decide to tell him, it may be best to jump on it at the end of a date you weren’t so fond of, but only if he suggests hanging out again. Try telling him that you enjoyed dinner (or whatever the date involved) but that you’re not up for the next date. If he is a stubborn one and asks why not, be honest. Tell him he’s a great guy (only if he is, of course), but you just aren’t feeling the connection – he’s bound to find someone out there whom he fits better with.
If he doesn’t ask to go out again at the end of the date, there’s no need to tell him you’re no longer interested. Wait for him to contact you again before you tell him. If he doesn’t, then he also doesn’t feel a connection, and you have nothing to worry about. If he does, then just tell him the same thing you would tell him if he asked you out at the end of a date.
What not to do
Don’t wait until date number six. Since going out on a date is a little more serious to begin with, don’t lead him on to think he’s got a winner if you’re not feeling the same way about him.
Don’t interrupt a date to say you’re not interested, though. Nothing could be worse than leaving the poor guy to eat his pasta alone when you’ve skipped out after appetizers. If after dinner he suggests a movie or a walk, now’s the time to split. Again, just be honest and say you’re not feeling any sparks.
If he suggests making plans for getting together again or says how much of a great time he has had, don’t leave him to think he’ll see you again. Just be sure to thank him for the date(s) before you turn down the next one.
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He’s a guy friend
You thought he was just a friend until he suggested a movie night out – for just the two of you.
What to do
The important thing here is to be careful not to hurt his feelings and, even more importantly, not to lose a friend. The difficult part is that you clearly enjoy each other’s company, making it harder to tell him you don’t want anything more.
No matter how he suggests he’s interested in you (via phone, Facebook or in person), tell him one-on-one how you feel about him. Let him know you care about him but aren’t interested in dating. Also tell him that you understand if he needs his space for a while, but you’ll be there when he wants to hang out again.
Try to keep things as normal as possible afterward. If he feels that you’re less chatty around him the next few times you hang out, he may feel awkward about remaining friends.
What not to do
Be careful about repeatedly using the “friend” word while you’re turning him down – it will only make him feel more awkward about the whole situation. Ever hear a guy say, “Having a girl call you a friend is the worst feeling”? Hearing you call him a friend 50 times will seriously hurt.
Don’t bring up his crush on you in front of other friends (girl talk is different, of course). At the next get-together, don’t joke about how weird and awkward it was that Johnny asked you out. And, at least for a little while, steer clear of giving him the lowdown on any new guys in your life.
Don’t stop answering his texts or calls asking to hang out with your normal group of friends, either. If he respects your decision not to go on a date, he won’t keep bugging you about it. Don’t assume you turning him down is going to change the friendship.
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He’s a co-worker
You’re always friendly to him in the office. Looks as though he got the wrong idea…
What to do
Here, it’s super important to let him down graciously. If you’ll be continuing to work with him or see him in your office, keep things on steady ground because you’ll be seeing a lot of each other. Tell him you enjoy working with him but aren’t looking to go on a date with him or, even, anyone else in the office (it might be better to avoid the office relationship for a while – or always).
The best way to tell him, as with a friend, is one-on-one. If he asks you in person, be honest with him right away. If he asks over email, catch him on his way out at the end of the day or ask to speak with him for a minute if you run into him in the hall. Make sure other co-workers aren’t in eavesdropping distance when you let him down.
Keep things professional after you tell him no. If you see him in the morning, say hello as you normally would and continue to work on that PowerPoint with him. Keep the office flirting (with him or anyone else) to a minimum.
What not to do
Don’t gossip about it with your co-workers. Don’t bring it up to him or apologize days later for turning him down – once you’ve declined, leave it at that.
Don’t ask anyone else out or accept any date invites from other people in the office, either. In the same building is one thing, but cubicle neighbors? Pick a new guy.
Turning a guy down has the potential to be totally awkward, but if you do it right, it can be as quick and painless as picking up your morning coffee. In the end, it’s always better to tell him you’re not interested than miss meeting the next guy, whom you just may fall for.
Sources
Dan Lier, relationship, sex and communication expert from ASK Dan & Mike
http://leftos.com/blog/5-ways-to-avoid-the-creeper-at-the-bar
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dealingwith-rejection.html