Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male? Real Live College Guy Joel (replete with a name way cooler than those of RLCGs Joe and Joey) is here to help you out, call you out, write you a poem to show you’re great and to stop worrying, etc. From major emotional drama to the minutiae of social interaction, use him as your one-stop shop for guy advice.
I’ve hung out with this guy a few times before (we’ll call him Joe.) The first time I talked to Joe was in my friend’s dorm because Joe and his buddy were wandering the halls talking to people. They ended up staying in our room and I talked to Joe for a few hours. We got on pretty well and had some meaningful conversation. A few weekends later, I ended up texting him because I couldn’t find anything to do on Thirsty Thursday. So I ended up going to his room and hanging out with him and his friends. When they left, things got heated, and we had sex. Neither of us were drunk. A few nights later, the same scenario was in play… I had nothing to do and wandered up to his room. We hung out with his friends, watched TV, and talked to each other about ourselves and our families, he was rubbing my thigh, putting his arm around me, and when his friends left, we were making out and clothes were off. Except this time, we were both a little tipsy. I was naked in his bed when he left to go to the bathroom. When he came back, things toned down a little. We cuddled and I rubbed his back for a good 20 minutes when, to my shock, he told me he was sorry but he was tired and was just going to go to bed. So I asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he said yes. So I did. What happened? He had a condom out and everything. I actually like him too and would possibly want more. Why do you think he didn’t ‘finish the job’? Does he not like me? Does he like me? Is it possible to have anything with him after this? I feel at a loss because I know that he’s a really nice guy. -Help Me at Hanover
Help Me at Hanover,
No one should have to have a sexual experience that embarrassing or confusing, and I’m so sorry this happened. “Joe” should have articulated why he was no longer interested in being intimate. It is very possible he may actually have just been tired and not in the mood, but he should have communicated this to you with more detail and sensitivity.
That being said, you say he’s a nice guy. Keep in mind that if he was willing to cuddle with you instead of “finish the job,” he might, you know, actually like you. Joe may want to proceed more slowly with you. I would say it is definitely possible to still have something, if you’re willing to just spend more time getting to know him and deepening that connection you feel with him. I know you valued your shared physical experience, but reexamine the path that led you to hook up with him. You first had sex with him on an evening when “you didn’t have anything better to do.” Then this incident happened on a night when “you had nothing to do.” This flippancy, however unintentional, may have alienated Joe if it was apparent. He may have been bothered that you didn’t seem to take the time you spent together seriously. He may just have a different perspective on the proper time for sex when you’re developing a relationship. There’s also the possibility he might have not wanted to take advantage of you if he does not have serious feelings for you.
You need to talk to Joe about what he wants from you. Don’t tell him that you’re angry about what happened, but you need to be honest about your confusion. Nice guy that he supposedly is, he will be honest about whether anything has been bothering him. Don’t be shy about expressing your romantic interest in him, and see if he reciprocates. If he refuses to be honest with you, or if he is just not interested, then try to forget the whole embarrassing incident and find someone who will be totally honest with you in this type of sensitive situation.