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So I met this guy at work, we hit it off, started texting/talking/hanging out (at his place), and he was the one talking about a relationship and how great I was, and then all of a sudden he totally backed off! Now, I’ve been seeing him only at work, and he still makes an effort to talk to me, and occasionally texts me. When I asked if anything was wrong between us, he denied it and said he’s just been “dealing with some stuff.” But when we see each other he still tries to be physical with me (think: giving me a back massage at work…). Not only are things awkward, but confusing. Help! Is he into me or not? If he only wants a hook-up, why hasn’t he tried to get it? – Confused at Conn College
Confused at Conn College,
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this confusion and disappointment, and to spare you more, allow me to be honest with you. Any guy who gives you back rubs at work sounds, well, odd. If he has been less than attentive, he might not be worth your time.
There seem to be multiple possibilities at play. The first is that you did something to make him back off. This sounds unlikely; he wouldn’t still be talking to you so frequently if he felt that way. He could potentially be actually going through a rough time addressing something in his personal life. This is of course his private matter, but consider that if he really liked you, he would share what difficulties he may be having. He may not like the idea of sharing things with others, but there’s no reason he shouldn’t be able to at least explain that he’s dealing with a family matter, past relationship or financial trouble. Even if the matter is embarrassing, he should let you know he’s having some personal problems. You two have spent a lot of time together, so the vagueness of “dealing with some stuff” implies a lack of intimacy or even respect in his feelings for you.
Another possibility, one you may resent me for suggesting, is that this guy may just be erratic. Some guys are capricious. Their desires change quickly and haphazardly. They don’t bother to reflect on why they act the way they do or consider the feelings of others involved. Whatever is behind his recent behavior, he has been behaving awkwardly and has not been respectful of your feelings. If you really still see the potential for a relationship with this guy, then sit down with him and tell him that you’re confused. Do not frame the conversation as an ultimatum or get angry or upset, because he might be experiencing some genuine problems. Explain that you are bewildered by these mixed messages and ask where he sees your relationship going. If he really cares about you, he will be forthright. If he continues to be vague, then calmly close the door on the possibility of a relationship with him. You deserve some answers, and it sounds like the only thing you have to lose are awkward back rubs.